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2020-09-23 16:43
My prodigal is home. At least, I believe he is home but I can’t confirm it. I see an unfamiliar car in the driveway so I can only assume he’s here. He’s currently quaranti… Read More
Hurricane Season
2020-08-30 12:41
The first sign of bad weather for me is always a dull ache deep down in my bones. My hips creak in complaint when I walk. My lower back joins in with its own throbbing beat. The resounding e… Read More
2020-06-01 16:40
I have always been white. There was never a time when I went out into the sun without first slathering on a layer of vaguely coconut flavored suntan lotion. When I was heading to the beach I… Read More
2020-05-19 12:35
It is a strange thing, how this quarantine has affected the family. There was a time when large amounts of relatively unstructured time at home with us would have sent Mary over the edge. Du… Read More
2020-04-11 13:53
It’s been four weeks since surgery. Last night I was able to cook some red lentil pasta with vegetables. The pot of pasta boiled up a white foam dangerously close to the lid of the pot… Read More
2020-03-18 12:13
“He says he never wants to be adopted.” “He told the social worker he doesn’t want to live with the family. He is pursuing an independent living option.”… Read More
2020-03-16 20:50
I feel empathy for Prometheus, the immortal Greek who angered Zeus. His punishment was such that an eagle came and ate his liver right out of his body every single night. When I woke up from… Read More
2020-03-11 08:52
It’s transplant day. This early in the morning I can see my breathe when I step outside. The blackened sky is absolute. Just Luke and I are awake in the house. It’s just the two… Read More
2020-02-18 17:20
Maybe I’m not as cut out for this whole thing as I imagined. Years ago I felt like a kind of warrior, fighting against past traumas alongside my kids. These days I am battling my own t… Read More
2020-02-16 17:47
The cheerful bubbling of my radiator on a cold New England morning. The warmth of my husband’s chest against my back in the middle of a wintery New England night. The lucidity of child… Read More
2020-01-21 17:52
Sometimes, every single thing that can go wrong will absolutely 100% go wrong. This is the turning point. It’s the beginning of the end of things, or at least this cycle. Marcus is alw… Read More
2019-12-26 14:49
Few things in life are as satisfying to me as a luxuriously soft pair of fuzzy slippers. Knowing this, Luke got me a brand new pair for Christmas. My parents also got me a robe, strawberry v… Read More
2019-12-23 15:35
Christmas is upon us. This is one of my favorite times of year but also the most stressful time of year for Mary. We don’t really know why. It is some history of trauma and all we know… Read More
2019-12-22 15:42
How many EMTs can fit in my bedroom? Ten. The number is 10. Counting first responders took on an urgent importance in the way that benign distractions sometimes do in the face of a crisis. A… Read More
2019-12-11 13:18
It’s hard not to feel like I’m failing at this. Each day I wake determined that today is the day I will have a positive experience with my daughter. Today I will spend time with… Read More
2019-12-05 03:53
I smoothe on a generous layer of potent citrus Orange Glow wood before working it into the wood with a soft cotten rag. The thick butcher block top on my kitchen island was made for me. Carl… Read More
2019-11-16 14:47
Sharp, pointed prickles of cold gather in my throat as I lean out of my door and inhale in the early darkness. The mornings here are covered in a paper thin layer of icey white frost. New En… Read More
2019-07-22 00:22
Pinching a metal machine as hard as I can with my thumb and forefinger seems like an exercise in futility to me. We have been at this for about four hours. Fifteen of the last minutes have b… Read More
2019-07-07 20:43
The inky cobalt depths call to me with a siren’s song. Farther and farther I swim away. Each kick of my legs leaves me feeling powerful and strong. My family is shrinking away from me… Read More
2019-07-01 19:42
“What goes on first: the tomatoes or the Parmesan? Do we always toast the bread? Is this your favorite food, Mama?” Mary’s earnest little face is staring intently at me. Al… Read More
2019-06-24 19:24
It’s strange to me how roles are reversed. Five years ago my job was a sanctuary from my home life. The children were new to us and trauma was new to us. I looked forward to my 30 minu… Read More
2019-06-07 21:35
Paper stars flutter to and fro in time to the rhythm of the air conditioning. A wall of black plastic sits beneath reams of masking tape and fluorescent post-it notes. It’s masqueradi… Read More
A Twist On The “Terrible” Teen Years
2019-05-22 22:59
Sometimes I forget just how far we’ve come. It always happens on the Lacrosse field while I’m watching Carl play. I’ll find myself commiserating with the other Lacrosse par… Read More
2019-05-13 11:08
I need to spend more time counting my blessings. Yesterday morning I was filled with dread over the impending Mother’s Day drama. I was expecting the pattern of trauma and dysregulatio… Read More
2019-05-12 12:29
That day is here again. The one I dread with a visceral gut twist every single year. It’s Mother’s Day. Here is the day where I leave the house and people congratulate me over an… Read More
2019-05-07 02:32
Marcus is home. We finally convinced him to come home, at least for a little while. He’s here so that we can take him to get a new driver’s license at the DMV. He can’t get… Read More
2019-04-25 21:03
The sound of her voice sets my teeth on edge. The children’s older biological sister, M, is difficult for me to stomach. I am caught between my instinct to get her away from my childre… Read More
2019-04-23 13:27
These past few days have gotten warmer. Birds are chirping outside. A daffodil burst ostentatiously into bloom in the front yard. The air smells sweet and thick with the promise of new growt… Read More
2019-04-21 22:23
Well, it finally happened. Marcus got terminated from his Job Corps program. He’s not a licensed electrician. He didn’t finish with the job referral or the stipend to get his own… Read More
2019-04-17 19:01
As a child I would often joyfully make myself dizzy to the point of collapse. I would fling my arms out wide and spin in a circle faster and faster and faster. I’d keep my eyes up to t… Read More
2019-03-31 21:57
Mary is on some kind of audition. Each weekend she comes home from her residential school for a visit. She stays from Saturday morning through Sunday evening. Mary is trying out for the pos… Read More
2019-03-25 22:58
If there is one thing the foster care system has taught my children it would be leaving. An internal alarm will alert them not to feel safe with permanency. Unfortunately, the very nature of… Read More
2019-03-18 23:28
Tooth-jarring screeching sounds of metal scraping against metal emanated from the undercarriage of my Honda Pilot. A vague scent of smoke wafted in through the open windows. The more I hit t… Read More
2019-02-28 20:23
I wonder how a salmon can continue to swim upstream fighting the flow of water every inch. It seems counter-intuitive but their instinct tells them to keep going. Just thinking about it mak… Read More
2019-02-20 16:57
I wear them proudly like so many medals. Three parallel scars span my lower back along the spine. They mark the three back surgeries I’ve had. I don’t think they’re ugly. I… Read More
2019-02-13 18:33
I can understand the impulse that Marcus has to punch walls. Sometimes I feel the same way. If I have ever given the impression that I am really good at all of this therapeutic parenting stu… Read More
2019-02-08 00:34
For over a decade Luke and I have made this journey together. This week was my 11-year wedding anniversary.  I was in my mid-twenties when I met him. It’s supposed to be a bad ide… Read More
2019-01-20 14:22
In the dark, he is afraid. Carl’s panicked voice calls out, “Dad? Mama?? Mama!!” sounding more like a toddler than a teenager. My children learned at an early age that mons… Read More
2019-01-17 12:32
When our children were still in foster care we began the process with a “disclosure meeting.” In this meeting the social workers gave us all the information they had about our ch… Read More
What Are We Teaching Them?
2019-01-14 20:41
“Wait–what do you mean? My glasses prescription can expire?!?!! That doesn’t make sense!” Sorry, Marcus. You have to go to the eye doctor every year. You also ne… Read More
2019-01-09 00:15
Recently Carl was arguing with Luke about snacks. He really wanted something unreasonable like popcorn dipped in frosting or Doritos in ice cream. Who knows. Luke was trying to convince him… Read More
Dumb Mistake
2019-01-06 20:27
I made the dumb mistake of attempting to clean out our memory drawer. For the last 5 years I’ve gathered a variety of mementos from my children. One drawer in our dining room buffet is… Read More
2019-01-02 21:54
She drives me crazy. I have no idea why her opinions affect me at all but they do. Every time our children’s older biological sister  M is around, my back teeth ache. Her invasive… Read More
2018-12-27 01:25
I am pretty sure we just made it through our most successful Christmas season yet. I can’t say things went off without a hitch, but it was certainly better than I had hoped. Marcus arr… Read More
2018-12-23 15:15
It’s the second Christmas she won’t be home for. We will bring presents to her on Christmas Day along with some of the dinner. Mary is at a therapeutic residential school that sp… Read More
2018-12-19 17:22
In typical Marcus fashion I got a late-night text message. My phone chirped with the image of a certificate. Clicking on the “Student of the Month” award picture with Marcus&rsqu&hell…Read More
2018-12-10 18:51
At about 3:00AM my cell phone comes to life with a string of beeps. Who is texting me at 3:00AM?! “MMMOOOMMM!!!” “MOM??” MOOMMM I’M RUNNING LOW ON NOODLES!!!!&r&hell…Read More
2018-12-03 01:55
There is no middle ground when it comes to Marcus. He’s either in or he’s out with his perception about family. He can be up or he can be down with his emotions. He’s eithe… Read More
2018-11-29 14:23
Nothing reminds us of the sanctity of life as much as the finality of death. Luke and I went to a memorial service today. I didn’t actually know the woman who died. We might have met a… Read More
Home Visit!
2018-11-20 15:11
Mary finally came home from her residential school for a an hour-long visit! Her therapist Q prepared her and came with her. This school is uses the research based “ARC” model to… Read More
When Your Parents Are Falling Apart
2018-11-15 23:54
All I can say about this week is, “OOPS!!” Yup, that’s right. It’s one big “oops” for the parents over here in the Herding Chickens household. Let’s… Read More
2018-11-08 20:35
I really cannot explain why my kids do some of the things they do. Raising children who experienced developmental trauma in their biological homes is like navigating a corn maze while blind… Read More
The Prodigal Son Makes A Decision
2018-11-05 13:01
Marcus is here in the house, fast asleep. Just writing those words is like a having a weight lifted from my chest. Last night my living room was full and so was my heart. When Mary FaceTimed… Read More
2018-10-31 02:25
It’s nighttime when I escape. This day has been a hard day. Bad news, back pain, and an oppressing sense of defeat have followed me through the house today. After tucking Carl into bed… Read More
2018-10-29 22:32
My kids hate to sleep in their beds. It’s just one of the vestiges of the trauma they grew up with. If you’ve seen my posts about trauma triggers around food or the bathroom, you… Read More
2018-10-23 16:39
My oldest child’s decisions are the equivalent of a Rubik’s cube to me. I find this ironic because Marcus can actually solve all types of physical Rubik’s cubes. He used to… Read More
2018-10-18 22:27
I cannot say that I am surprised at the events of the last few days. Since Marcus moved back to the city where his biological family raised him, he’s been in a bad situation. We got a… Read More
2018-10-13 16:45
OK, I know, I get it, not everyone wants to look at my skeleton. X-ray pictures might seem gross to some but they totally fascinate me. In these pics my spine looks so super-strong that noth… Read More
2018-10-09 21:31
Most things that I have done lately are because I’ve had to. I chose the venue for Carl’s thirteenth birthday party based on seating options. This local arcade/laser tag/mini-gol… Read More
I Made It!
2018-09-26 00:15
I made it! It’s over! The surgery was a success. I’m so very lucky. I didn’t even come out as a zombie!! I’m most grateful that’s my family was here for me. M… Read More
2018-09-24 16:32
I’ve spent this past week tying up all of the loose ends I can find before my surgery.  I wonder if I’m ready. No matter how much I’ve prepared I can’t be sure t… Read More
Cycle Of Anxiety
2018-09-23 17:04
It started at night. After football practice Carl had an episode in the shower. For our children this is a place where trauma occurred, so fear is heightened there. Both Carl and Mary refuse… Read More
2018-09-21 00:41
When Carl first came to us at 8-years-old he didn’t know how to hug. He’d grab and pull or thrust himself at full speed into my arms. His expressions of love left red marks behin… Read More
I Missed Open House…Again
2018-09-18 01:47
I seriously, honestly, for real, no excuses planned to go to Carl’s open house this year. It’s a great opportunity to meet your child’s teachers and see their work. I didn… Read More
2018-09-11 02:11
I heard the most ridiculous thing at a training given by the Department of Children and Families. The session was about health and safety for kids in foster care. The speaker was a registere… Read More
Report Card For A Trauma Mama
2018-09-04 12:25
On the last day of summer vacation I brought Carl to the lake, all the while keeping a diligent eye on my son. It was hard to peg him at a distance. Carl spent the summer outdoors bakin… Read More
2018-08-30 18:24
“Maybe he gets better. Look at Mary. She’s getting better!” These are words I didn’t expect to hear from Carl. We were, of course, watching Once Upon a Time. It is ri… Read More
2018-08-27 22:35
I don’t want my daughter. I don’t. It’s sad and it’s horrible but this is true. We’ve been discussing what steps to take to help Mary when I have my next surger… Read More
2018-08-23 20:01
As an adoptive parent of children with complex trauma, I hear about “secondary” trauma a lot. I find this to be…reductive. I’m not sure why we would diminish anyone… Read More
2018-08-21 12:55
Why is it that I cannot blog? I am simply un-savvy when it comes to the blogging app on my phone! I recently downloaded the mobile version of this site so that I can blog whenever the mood s… Read More
The Storm Has Passed
2018-08-21 12:15
I wonder if 13 is a fun age for mothers to enjoy their sons. Carl is less than a month away from turning 13 and so far we’ve been having a blast. Springtime is his annual storm of viol… Read More
2018-08-19 17:49
During a recent meeting at Mary’s RTC we discussed what steps would need to be We also dressed for dinner and broke out the expensive silver and china for holidays. My mother sets a pr… Read More
2018-08-13 11:40
I am forever curious about how other adopted families do this. How does everyone else manage incorporating the first family into their child’s world? I admit that I don’t know mu… Read More
2018-08-05 19:16
The days like today are the ones I hold dear. Days of quiet. Days of kindness. Days of peace. Carl has come out of his Springtime traumaversary. It’s been several weeks since he’… Read More
The Good, The Bad, The Birthday
2018-07-22 14:52
Holidays are tough around here. The “mom” holidays are the worst because the kids conflate them with bio mom. Once that happens, trauma can taint everything. Having children adop… Read More
The World At 1:00 AM
2018-07-17 05:58
I am sitting in the dark with a bottle of Jelly Belly bubbles. The clock reads 1:14 AM. Sleep eludes me tonight because my thoughts are racing. I breathe in the smell of Very Cherry and I ex… Read More
What Have I Done?
2018-06-30 14:45
There are times when rage bubbles up inside of me like so much lava. I choke it down and attempt to swallow it whole. It seems I can barely breathe for choking on my own anger. Carl screams… Read More
2018-06-21 01:04
The waiting room is freezing. I’m certain my fingers are turning blue. The wait is nearing 3 hours but Marcus still won’t let me into the ER where he is. As an adult, it’s… Read More
Imperfect Family
2018-06-17 15:41
When my daughter came home I found myself well out of my depth parenting the girliest of girly-girls. She loved pink and Disney princesses. She owned a pair of sparkly high-heels and wore th… Read More
2018-06-06 01:45
Acceptance. It’s a hard word for me these days. It is hard to accept and let things happen. I am trying to understand that my children operate within their own emotional states. I cann… Read More
The Prodigal Son Is Homeless
2018-05-28 14:59
He’s been sleeping in his car, apparently in a cemetery. Marcus is in another state, in a slum, sleeping on the street in his car. I cannot understand this choice for the life of me… Read More
2018-05-24 03:18
The whole house is shaking. My 12-year-old son is making this happen by systematically stomping/slamming whatever he comes into contact with. From the living room I can hear the banging of c… Read More
2018-05-21 22:14
Why does it always come to sweaty, stinky socks? On the hottest day in the summer of 2014 I was in the back seat of my Honda Pilot with a mouthful of Carl’s dirty, sweaty gym socks. M… Read More
2018-05-13 15:49
I can’t do it. I honestly just…can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s not that I’m sick of it. I just cannot. I’ve hit an immovable wall… Read More
When The Lights Go Out
2018-05-01 08:51
BANG BANG BANG!!! I am awoken by a loud sound. In a state of confusion I try to get my bearings. Where am I? What is happening? The darkness is absolute. My white noise machine has gone quie… Read More
2018-04-25 08:47
It’s 3:30 in the morning and I am wide awake. Luke is working the overnight shift. Something about being alone at this hour makes me feel unsettled. It happens at least once a week whe… Read More
2018-04-21 16:18
How does one go about following a script that simply isn’t there? When there are no words left, how does one go about shouting into the void? When it goes unwritten for me it is diffic… Read More
2018-04-20 04:29
The inertia of a back injury always surprises me. I am slow moving. The insurance company is slow to approve my treatment. Everything is slow and a resolution is not appearing on the horizen… Read More
Am I Losing My Son/Mind? Part 3
2018-04-17 10:52
When the state trooper arrives at our house to take a statement, Marcus has already come home with the car. He yells at Luke once and then runs outside. He parks himself on the hood of his c… Read More
2018-04-16 21:46
Marcus came home just in time to go to his second-shift job on Tuesday. He barely spoke to us, hastily agreed to put gas in the car, and then left for his shift at work. I got a text that he… Read More
2018-04-15 18:39
He’s been moody for weeks. He snaps at us and sulks around in his room. We know he’s been smoking pot. He disappears with the car or with friends to the “store” for l… Read More
No End In Sight
2018-04-08 13:25
Parenting, like marriage, is an odd thing in its cyclical nature. There isn’t an obvious beginning, middle, or end. Relationships have ups and downs and even times where things seem … Read More
2018-04-02 18:30
We made it. We survived Easter, albeit with some causalities. Holidays never go off without a hitch around here. Sometimes the family togetherness triggers our kids. Sometimes all of the sug… Read More
2018-03-29 11:48
Sometimes I get caught up thinking about the children we left behind. The ones we did not take. The ones we didn’t have. Almost nine years ago, I was a Kindergarten teacher. Luke and I… Read More

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