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Spoiler alert: This post contains a little bit of whining...
I attended a back-to-school play date for my son's class today and overheard some moms talking. The were talking about vacations. The gist of the conversation was that vacations weren't that much fun for the moms because their husbands didn't contribute to the packing, preparation, or contribute substantially to caring for the Children on the trip. In a word, "vacation" was akin to hell all designed to give their children wonderful memories, but filled them with dread and loathing.
I totally understood where they were coming from. Their resentment was expressed and palatable. They were my tribe.
It made me remember that I became a "mommy blogger" because after I had my daughter I had a lot of time alone. Andre had lots of things to do that "required his attention". He was playing flag football, doing a series of projects at his parents' house, and pretty much anything he wanted to do because by default, I was the primary caregiver for our daughter.
In Many Households Childcare is Inequitable
In most heterosexual couples, including mine, a pattern develops after children enter the mix. Men believe that care duties are equal when in actuality the Women are the default primary caregivers and the men "help. When asked directly, many men assert that the childcare duties are equally distributed. If they concede that such duties are unequally distributed, they assert that the women "like it that way".
The entire paradigm is kind of bullshit, right?! Two people make children. One person becomes the primary caregiver for those children. And, the household needs that person to work outside of the home to earn income in order to pay for essentials.
Now that women often work full time outside of the home. There is no justification for the lion share of the care giving responsibilities falling to them. Still, these structures persist. I suspect the reason these moms were venting their frustrations at the playground is because their homes are not welcoming places for the conversation.
I suspect that many of the complaints about women "nagging" are really about women commenting to the men they live with about the inequity that exists in their lives. However, I don't think that many men want to hear it. They work full time, have their own frustrations and are really kind of pissed off that they are being asked to do things that they are otherwise disinclined to do. And that's why there is conflict.
The conflict is inherent.
I'd love to say that I have figured this out, but I don't. Apparently these play ground moms don't have it figured out either. So, this post won't end with "the secret". Instead, I hope that the working moms reading this find comfort in knowing their not alone. I also hope that those reading this post who love working moms think about what they might do to improve the situation for the working moms they love. Here's hoping!
This post first appeared on Chaton's World: A Working Mom's Quest For Balance, please read the originial post: here
