In my 4 years of married life, this is the 6th time I’ve packed and changed a House because of my husband’s work. Yet I still find it extremely difficult and tiring. And mentally disturbing. And he and his parents are already making plans about settling down and opening his own private practice in another city. I wonder when I’ll be able to settle down to a stable life without worrying about moving somewhere else in search of greener pastures.
Every place that I moved to seemed strange in the beginning, but as I stayed there, I became attached to the place and felt reluctant to leave it. The 4 walls of the rented apartment/house became home and the home soon became a part of our fond memories. However, in every single house that I lived in, I envisioned myself becoming pregnant, I imagined cradling my babies there, hearing their melodious cries, dreamed about watching them with pride and contentment as they learn to crawl and take their first baby steps .. and much more. I would strongly yearn to become a mother .. for my dull and lonely house to be enlightened with the arrival of my baby. But I never succeeded in fulfilling my dreams and I remain infertile to date.
It sort of hurts me deep inside when I see couples well-settled in life living peacefully with their children while I have to live a nomadic & insecure lifestyle. And, I’d like to be able to take recreational pleasure trips a few times a year. Apart from an Umrah trip + visit to my parents’ home in Saudi last year, I have never been on a holiday or vacation anywhere with my husband even for a couple of days in the last 4 years. It makes me extremely frustrated and I often argue with my husband about the mundaneness of our life, so, he makes empty promises that he will definitely take me somewhere, God willing. He waits for his friends to make plans so that our families can all go together yet they keep making excuses and dilly-dallying. The concept of us both going somewhere exotic as a couple seems alien to him and he justifies his stance saying it’s not logical to travel to a new strange place without a person who knows the place. As if the millions of people who go onholidays take a guide along with them. He tells me we will travel around the world which seems laughable as he hasn’t even take me to a local resort or hill-station. Weekends come and pass just like that. The pain of infertility only intensifies when I sit at home waiting for him. I keep thinking how wonderful it would be if I had children of my own to keep me company.
Alas ! There are some things that are just beyond your control which you simply have to accept, willingly or unwillingly.
