*Wendy* the functioning schizophrenic and *Maggie* her senile partner in crime rescued an injured cat during one of their nightly feeds. The tom got better and Wendy decided to keep it but wouldn’t sterilise because she felt he might have too weak a constitution to survive it.

The tom thanked her by turning his full libidinous and destructive nature on - copulating with her young kittens causing a miscarriage, launching bloodbaths on her other cats and he sprayed, everywhere.

After the umpteenth inconveniently-timed call from Wendy to lament about how much stress the cat is causing her and looping labyrinthian arguments about whether to sterilise the cat or not, the woman decided to cut Wendy short on one of her voluble and outrageous wall of consciousness monologues. She hung up.

Her colleagues were momentarily confused. Didn’t the woman tell them she didn’t have kids? She was all “Are you listening? I am going to hang up now if you aren’t listening. When you are ready to listen, then call me back.”

It worked. When Wendy called back, she was considerably calmer. She paid attention and finally agreed for the woman to come collect the cat for sterilisation. They did have one problem, the cat was so hostile he wouldn’t let anyone near him.

The cat trapper was called in and Wendy annoyed him by telling him that if she couldn’t catch him, he couldn’t. And she wouldn’t let them move any of her mountainous possessions that clutter all available space in the flat. She simply wouldn’t shut up. All the while, the cat teased us by darting from one victorian knick-knacks nook to ethnic trinkets cranny.

The woman had to be bad mammy again. “The trapper can’t work if you keep talking. Go to the back room and sit there. Don’t come out until the cat is trapped.” “But…” “Hupp, go back”. She did as she was told.

It took the trapper, the trapper assistant and the woman one hour to get that delinquent cat with the help of a torch, a net and 2 of Wendy's Indonesian decorative poles. Every time Wendy sneaked out, the woman went ‘Hupp, back.” She trotted back. These old ladies, they can be so… cute.

Before they left, she gave them one of her Christmas trinkets with thanks, - a porcelain cat sitting on a gift box.