About 6 years ago, I wrote a piece titled ‘COMPLIMENTS – if you dare anymore’. With today’s massive volume of Sexual Harassment suits and allegations, that piece was so way ahead of its time (bravo, Peter); but seriously, I had hoped it would not morph into all this. Don’t get me wrong, because I have always been against any form of harassment and bullying, what-so-ever, as I find it degrading, belittling, pathetic, arrogant, ignorant and utterly disrespectful, no matter the genders involved. I find it fantastic that the victims are finally coming forward, are finally acknowledging the physical and mental abuse that is and will always be so very wrong; it’s time that we all recognize this serious issue and it’s time to do something about it, by making sure that prevention and punishment will be pursued and applied. Part of the downside is, that this might be the end of Compliments the way we knew them, advising us to be very cautious in the future – extremely cautious indeed (sigh)…
Here is the full blog-post from about 6 years ago, slightly edited:
COMPLIMENTS – if you dare anymore
She looked radiant and beautiful; her full smile and energetic walk made everybody look. He was in a good mood – life was grand. As they passed each other he smiled at her, and then made a huge mistake; one he would regret for the rest of his life – and perhaps even longer.
“You look fantastic this morning,” he said cheerfully and honest - immediately her face spelled horror. Moments after, he was forcefully nailed to the sidewalk by six sweaty SHAT members (Sexual Harassment Attack Team), cuffed, mug-shut, fingerprinted, DNA’d and thrown to the floor in dark solitary confinement.
“What did I do? Why am I here?” His screams echoed off the dungeon’s wet walls. The grimy, hairy and perspiring guard spat out: “You gave that innocent woman a compliment; you sleazy, demented pervert”.
Back in the good old days she would have smiled at him and said “Thank you…” and felt even better about herself the rest of the day. So where did we screw up? Why can’t we more freely give compliments without creating suspicion of vile thoughts, sex and intentions? What happened to those good old days?
I’m a compliment giver; have been all my life. When I see somebody, male or female whom I appreciate, that being looks, what they wear, what they say, how they carry themselves, etc. I often make a positive comment, also known as the now dreaded compliment. These comments have for the most part been met with smiles and thank yous. But it has gotten harder to give a compliment today without creating suspicion concerning intend. Don’t you think that’s sad?
I’m starting to get this adorable grandfather look, so women should feel safe when I compliment them (obviously they don’t know what’s behind the facade – giggle, giggle), but some are still very cautious and defensive. A while back I complimented a young woman at the fitness club for her energetic floor exercises and the encouraging energy. She looked at me with disturbed eyes and couldn’t get away fast enough. Didn’t even say thank you or scream: Dirty old perverted man alert. Since then, she has successfully avoided me; and we used to be on good morning terms. I know I’m good at phrasing compliments, so I don’t know why she reacted that way and that is really sad, because I meant well. Just for clarification: I didn’t walk up to her and said: “Hey Toots, great stuff on the floor – your place or my car?” I had been kind, polite and adorably grandfather like.
I’m an overall nice guy (ask my wife); I do not look like a drooling sleazebagish sexual predator; I look rather safe. But I am afraid that looks don’t count anymore, as we are constantly being warned about those immoral wolves-in-sheep’s-clothing. Yeah, I even had mothers pull their children away from my compliments, like the next thing I was going to do was stick them in my van and race away (I don’t even have a van – go figure).
I’m pretty much a rebel without a clue, but with an obvious death-wish hanging over me, as I insist continuing to do the compliment bit. I like making people smile; innocent and positive compliments do that. Okay, not if you approach a woman with: “nice set of tits, toots”, as there are so many other great things we can see in each other, things we as fellow human beings should have the right to acknowledge out loud, while making somebody feel good about themselves in the process – doesn’t that sound like a win/win to you?
I find that pregnant women look absolutely fabulous, I really do. No, stop the perverted sniggering; it has nothing to do with that. Some years back, I saw a highly pregnant woman who looked like she was going to break water right in front of me. She seemed tired of herself and her bloated condition. I smiled my comfy smile and said: “You look so radiant” because to me she did; just four simple words. She immediately broke into tears, smiled at me and said: “That’s what I have needed to hear all day…” As simple as it was, as powerful as it was. But today we have to be very careful about how, who and where we do that compliment thing - unfortunately.
As I spread compliments equally, I have found that men react different than women; they appreciate the compliment, but with a ton of surprise and a lot of suspicion in the thank you, Dude. Women tend to be more flattered. Either way, compliments create good moments with a lot of positive reactions.
I like being complimented, but I’m not even close to be as good at receiving as I am at giving. Once I was sitting waiting for a flight departure, when an older woman (older,meaning older than I), approached me and semi nervously asked: “Are you an actor?” I looked up and smiled that charming smile of mine: “No I’m not; but it’s a common mistake as many think I’m George Clooney – want my autograph anyway?” I did not know older women could flip that center finger like that, rheumatoid arthritis and all – good job.
I believe we all need to be reminded when we shine and not just from looking at ourselves in a mirror. When my wife compliments me, I feel thankful and I feel good. When somebody tells you that your dress looks fabulous (except if it’s your husband wearing that new Halston of yours), it pumps a bit of happy into you. When we are having a shitty day and somebody is asking for that great smile we normally flash around, the day gets less shitty. So I cannot see why we must be so suspicious concerning the intent when we give and receive compliments, especially because somebody saw something in us, something positive, and then took the time (silly dare-devils?) to tell us. What's wrong with that? Nothing what-so-ever. Don't you agree?
Don’t be too scared off giving compliments, as it is still a positive and good thing for both the one giving and the one receiving; but be careful - please be very careful. At times I forget to give out compliments, but most times I make an effort to give out at least two compliments daily, including holding a door open for somebody, or try to smile more; you know, nice stuff like that. I did mention ‘be careful’, huh?
PS. Remember, just smiling at somebody is a compliment – and smiling we are all really good at. It’s how we acknowledge and show appreciation for people we pass during the day; it’s the nice to see you greeting – and we do care, don’t we? I seriously hope so… As far as I know, smiling has not (yet?) been categorized as a form of sexual harassment – so until then, please smile away… Oh, remember that smiling is great, but smiling with excessive drooling, can be taken a bit wrong – just so you know…
