One of my paternal grandfathers had 12 children! I use this to console myself when the level of irritation hits the ceiling at my house with two growing up boys.
Its fun watching the kids grow. Along come some challenges too. Of them the most challenging task as a parent would be to give explanations to the kids regarding their changes in physicality and the questions following it, irrespective of their gender. The boys would have their own set of questions and the girls their own.
If you have noticed, the kids wouldn’t have any inhibitions asking you the question as much as you having to answer them. Well... here is the tricky part. The way we respond is the key to their sexual maturity or their knowledge about sex. If you respond ‘in denial’ or ‘sternly’, there are chances that they would never come to you with a question again. As I had written in my earlier article FCUK, the kids usually have some information before they come to you. The Indian society has grown in denial. We have made the word ‘sex’ a bad word.
The parenting styles have changed too. The parents today encourage participative behaviour in all aspects. They encourage so called independent behaviour. But when it comes to handling some tricky questions, like sex, we just don’t seem to be equipped enough.
The exposure that the kids get today is phenomenal. There is internet, newspaper, books, magazines and the good old friends. So naturally they are very inquisitive. They have too many questions popping in their minds. They want to explore. They want answers. They are curious about the physicality of the opposite sex.
For some strange reasons, the parents are alarmed. Why should you be? This is a natural growing up process. What you and me went through. Why is it such a big issue when the child comes home and asks you, ‘What is sex?’ or ‘Why do boys pee standing’ or the most common ‘Who puts the child into mommys tummy’? Take it from me, if not for you, they will find from some resources the answer and there are chances that those are unreliable.
And I am of the firm opinion that there are no set ways to respond to such questions which you can refer to. Each child’s way of responding would be different. If the child comes up with such a question, instead of interrogating the child as to how did he/she come to know of this bad, horrible, ugly, nasty word or which of his/her friend is responsible for corrupting your child’s mind and asking your child to never be a friend with that child etc.,; open up.
Open up and draw them into a friendly conversation. Don’t look surprised and react in a strange way. Keep a relaxed body language so that the child feels comfortable. Remember that the kids are very wary of your facial expression, tone of your voice and body language.
Try to first find out, what and how much do they know about the subject. Once you have assessed their knowledge about the subject, weave around that limited knowledge of the child some reassuring answer. You will be surprised that this exercise has eased your job and you are able to convince the child. While doing this, look for signals in their facial expression and body language. No one else can judge that part better than you as a parent. Once you are sure that they are reasonably convinced, shoo them away. If there are questions which you think is not appropriate to be answered at that moment or age, tell them in a very firm voice that, they would learn or would be told more about it once they come to the higher class. It works.
The very calm and reassuring tone of yours in the first part takes care of their future inhibitions, wherein they would come to you again. The second part of change in tone and distracting them into other work is something the child is able to grasp that it has reached the limit. After few minutes or time, tell the child again in very reassuring tone that he/she is welcome to ask any doubts in future.
Other day, me, my wife and my 10 year old son were watching the movie Barfi.There was a lip lock scene and my wife started nudging me to forward the scene. I looked at her and said
‘What?’
She started to gesticulate the presence of my son.
I said in a loud voice, ‘So what? As if your son doesn't know what is kissing?’
My wife was wide eyed and speechless watching my face with a tinge of smile.
I looked at my son who was sitting beside me and said, ‘ Isn't it sonny? Don’t you know what is kissing?’
And he started giggling and nodding his head in affirmative.
Well... I don’t know how many of you approve this behavior of mine, but I very well knew that this is not the first time he has seen kissing. But here I have crossed a hurdle wherein in future for such scenes I don’t have to feel awkward. Now I don’t mean that I would watch a movie like Indecent proposal with him. But I don’t need to clamor for my remote the next time we are watching a movie together. Moreover he too has reached a level of comfort with me.
