Lost. Directionless. Emotionally drained. That's how I am feeling these days. I wonder if perhaps this is the onset of an early mid-life Crisis. I always thought, "It could never happen to me", but now I am not so sure. Everything seems purposeless and empty. The only gems in the rough are my wife and kids, and even they can be trying sometimes, due more to my lethargy and depression than to any thing they do. Could it be? I am only 36 years old, does anyone else feel this way at such a young age?

I used to find my work exciting and challenging, but now it's reduced to following scripts and kissing everyones arse. I have worked at this company for a little over 6 months. At the time, I thought it would be the cure to all my woes, and would provide some stability instead of the uncertainty of contract work that I had been doing. At least my last contract gig was FUN and had some cool people to interact with.

I recently had my performance review, and let me tell you - IT BLEW CHUNKS! I have never had a worse one. It seems that most of what my manager complained about boiled down to the perceptions of the 3 other S.E.'s (who have been working here for years) had of me. It doesn't help that he had worked with them for years as well before his appointment to management a few weeks after I started, or that one of the guys was a Jr. SE and wanted the job I accepted. Seems they found me "abrasive, snappy, and difficult to work with". Yet the only positive thing in the review was "he is congenial in discussions".

WHA'FUh!?

They claimed I was not as productive as they thought I should be at this point. Well, every time I would ask a question about something, they told me it wasn't that important, ask the Senior SE when he is back in the office (usually two or three days hence). How can someone get up to speed if no one is willing to answer your questions? Seems because they weren't crazy about my personality, they would put me off.

You know, whenever I have been asked to do a peer review, no matter what I thought of the individual personally, I would always try to find at least one or two positive things to say about them. I thought I went out of my way to be nice to these guys, and they just smile in my face while plunging daggers in my back. What's a guy to do? I have financial and personal obligations that preclude me from just jumping ship, so it's back to ass kissing 101.

So what do you think? Am I really beginning my mid-life crisis? Or am I just gagging on the sickly sweet stench of forced servitude and friendliness? Sound off in the comments section if you have a mind to do so.