I usually feel like an undiagnosed compulsive-obsessive, mildly bipolar, depressive with ADD and a 127 IQ. I have great ideas, and insights into many fields of study, and am a great starter but a poor finisher. The problem is I get bored easily. I start out with compulsive-obsessive Zeal and heads down focus on a project or task. However, if I can't accomplish the task in a few hours to a day, my zeal and focus wane. Likewise if another higher priority issue arises, distracting me from the first, I shift to that one, with the same effect. I lose interest, and it becomes difficult to get started on the task again. I then get depressed that I didn't finish, and don't feel like persuing it further. I then develop a failure mentality that tends to rob me of all self-worth and assurance, which can only be somewhat restored by having great sex with my wife (Huh?).


Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental Health


It seems odd, I know, but the only obsession I seem to have permanently, at this time, is sexual obsession. It's like food for my psyche - it fills me, displacing all cares and concerns - at least for a while. If I don't get this relief for a period of time, I start to get more and more irascible and frustrated, and that feeds my feelings of insignificance and inadequacy. Some days I feel like I could accomplish great things! But soon the reality of my state in life starts to sneak in - like a tiny nettle in my sock that I can't find yet it still pierces the flesh rubbing it raw - irritating my mind, eating away at my soul. I succumb to nihilist thoughts and contempt for all that is, and desire for all that should be. Depression and gloom are then my companions for days or weeks at a time.

Do any of you experience anything like this? How do you cope with it? How do you succeed in life? Is there a good paying career that suits this sort of temperament? I may not be a genius, but I'm not ignorant either. I am pretty smart, responsible, usually patient, and despite my own feelings, I go out of my way to be kind to everyone. I'm highly technical, and not a bad writer. I try to tell the truth unless it will hurt someone else. I strive, with mixed success, for virtue and decency. I don't wear my problems, or my heart for that matter, on my sleeve. I am the person that people bring their problems and sob stories to, because I am a good listener, and despite my difficulties, have intuitive insight into people and life. But I have no one to turn to. No one to talk to or confide in. Maybe this weblog will be good therapy. It is my vent. Perhaps sharing my life and feelings this way will help me deal with it better.

I may be grasping at straws, but I can't afford to pay someone to listen to me, and if I was paying them, probably wouldn't trust them. I am not a very trusting person anyway, there is almost no one I trust on this earth.

So, if you are out there, if anyone is listening, please leave a comment or suggestion. Let me know I am not alone, again spewing my thoughts, feelings, and dreams into a void.