– For all my Asian Girls & Guys.

 
“Rishta”

Hindi/Urdu word for a marriage proposal.
“I will not allow that boy to offer my daughter a Rishta, as he is not a medical doctor.” – every Desi mother.
#Marriage #Date #Indian #Pakistani #Desi

 Source: Samwise The Great July 09, 2013, Urban Dictionary, Retrieved April 2018

The Dreaded R-Word. Rishta. A six letter word that annoys you more than your mother asking you to empty the dishwasher. Guys and Girls from any ethnic minority will understand your parent’s sudden urge to hook you up with a future wife/husband and the emotional blackmail that comes with it.  For all those who are unaware of the Rishta process, you often get introduced to a person through a relative, often your parents, in the hopes that one day make them Grandparents. Unlike the common myth that you have to marry the first person you meet, the modern Rishta game leaves the decision down to you.

Todays Rishta process has taken a modern twist with the likes of; Rishta aunties arranging huge Whatsapp groups and the option to Facetime your “future in-laws”. Often called “halal dating” between me and my friends, the experience (trauma) didn’t last very long for me. But you’ll find out why later.

It’s expected, you’ll get to a certain age or finish your studies when all of a sudden your parents/relatives and the random aunty at the swimming baths asks why haven’t you found somebody on your own – not knowing that you may or may not be single. For most people, it’s a hard NO on the entire process. But what if to avoid a million questions, you gave it a go? I’m about to share with you some of my “interesting” experiences that I pray none of you has to encounter.

*Disclaimer: Not all parents or Guys/Girls are like this, I’m not assuming they are.*

My Experience

You can avoid weirdos on the street, But what if they walk through your front door?

1. The Mother that, if she could, would marry her son to you in her living room. Right. Now.

Take it as a compliment. She likes you. She REALLY likes you. But what if mid-conversation with her son she walks in, says “You might as well meet us all” and pulls out her phone. To facetime her daughter. Who just woke up from a nap and is wondering who the hell is this girl next to my mother. She has a lot of children and I met them all through the phone that day. Bit weird but hey, they were nice.

2. The guys who’re allowed girl mates, but you’re not allowed guy friends.

It’s self-explanatory why. It was just weird because he said this 5 minutes after hello. I can’t believe we gave you tea, biscuits and samosas for a whole two hours after that.

3. This is not the real life version of Minder.

“Minder – The place for Awesome Muslims to meet” – They look good, your parents love them. But they’re thinking this is Minder and that dodgy message at 1 o’clock in the morning was not kept a secret. Shame on you.

4. The guy/parent who wants you to put a scarf on your head.

Okay so fresh start, fourth time lucky? I think not. Cue the mother (in-law-never-to-be) walks in, gives you a good look up and down. After having a free dinner, she says that “she needs to wear a scarf”. This is the day I found out my dirty looks were inherited from my mother. I’ve never loved her more. I’m all for the sisters who want to wear one. But you cannot make someone wear a scarf.

…and with that, I was done. Yep. Done. Never again.
So, what if you want to give this thing a go? Read my mini guide on how not to lose your mind.

Survival Tips

1. You will argue with your Parent/Guardian/Whoever is looking for you. Remain calm, they’re only helping you.
   I learnt this the hard way. I have a great relationship with my parents, but this whole thing made us argue more than ever. I was convinced they didn’t know what I wanted and they were convinced I wasn’t listening to them. Let’s face it the older you get the more you realise your parents always had your best interests at heart (not that they’ll ever know you know this). But if they’re the ones talking on your behalf that stuff is stressful! So give them a break, they know what they’re doing. If things aren’t going the way you want them to, say something, the end result is what you want. If not then well then do it yourself. Don’t sit back and let them do it, it’s not fair.
2. Don’t judge a book by its cover or accent.
   Be open-minded, so what if his ears stick out a bit? His/her hairstyle might not be what you want or they may not even have a single follicle on their head. Does that make your personality? No. You want someone to get to know you regardless of where or how you meet them, give someone the same chance you want someone to give to you. Even if you don’t like them suck it up and converse for an hour. It won’t kill you.
3. Have a thick skin and be confident
   It’s inevitable you won’t always be someone’s cup of tea. Normally you won’t even realise this because no one can read someone else’s thoughts. But in this process you will hear rejections and every weird reason under the sun, “too short” “too tall” “only want a girl that’s a size 8” (Yes that’s an actual reason I’ve heard), and the one you’ve been waiting for, “doctors/medical professional only”. These are reasons from both parents and the people themselves, but being comfortable and confident in who you are helps 100%. Now I’m not saying that some things you hear don’t suck, especially over things you can’t change. But remember if they don’t like you for the small stuff they’re not good enough for you. Not the other way round.
4. Have a friend(s) you can rant/laugh with
   This is important. Even if your parents tell you to keep it a secret. Who will you laugh with when you accidentally drop a plate? or when the guest drooled mid-mouthful? Friends are there to laugh at your miseries and remember them to torture you with later on in life. They’re also going to be there to make you feel better about a crappy situation or celebrate with you when you have a breakthrough. I wouldn’t have been able to laugh at my experiences if it wasn’t for mine.

Regardless of whatever you do, Rishta, no Rishta, becoming the future cat lady/man at the end of the road, may you find what you’re looking for!

Thank you for reading my first post! I’ve been dying to write about this. Follow the blog for updates!

نمرا

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” – Pema Chodron

Sources

https://www.minderme.co/

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rishta