I didn’t write for a very long time. I could start using terms such as “writer blockade” or “lack of creativity” but that wouldn’t be true. The truth is, that so much has happened in the past two weeks, so many unexpected things that I just didn’t know how to write them down. Because writing, would mean dealing with it and we are all individual human beings by the end of the day, we all deal with our things in unusual ways and amount of times.

Where to start? With the easiest thing.

I had dinner with two friends the other day. One of them, was after a long day of work, the other one has been unemployed for a while, and I just went through something unpleasant earlier that day. Yet, there we sat, ate a slice of delicious Pizza (I might have just been very hungry chances are high that this Pizza wasn’t even that tasty) and talked about random things. One of them, addressed me out of the blue and asked, “have you ever been in love?”. I Guess if he would have asked me on any other day, I could answer that question with a long explanation, analyzing myself and giving him a full conclusion. But since I, A, know that my friends tend to avoid asking me questions unless it’s necessary due to the long-detailed answers I give and B, I was not in a state where I could really answer that question, I sat there quietly thinking and not sure what to answer. By the age of 27 though, it is a very legitimate question that should make you think.

I celebrated my birthday, about two weeks ago. I turned 27. I hosted a big pregame to which all my friends came. These kind of get togethers, make me realize how much I enjoy bringing random groups of people together and observing their interaction. Different cultures, ethnicities and characters get together for one evening- in my opinion the best formula for a fun night. But I would like to focus on one specific friend who came to my party. One of my closest friends, whom I love so much. We met a couple of years ago, when she moved into my apartment and had an instant click. Ever since, we started calling each other “sisters roommates” and kept on being friends even after we left the apartment. She got me delicious Chocolate and a beautiful birthday card, we locked ourselves in the bathroom and joked about things drunk people find funny and I eventually found her sitting and talking to random people, enthusiastically explaining all the current political-economic issues, because that’s just how she is and that is what makes her unique. I called her the day after my party, still suffering from a severe hangover, barely walking straight but enjoying amusing flashbacks from the night before. I thanked her and we agreed that she would come over that week to visit me. A day later, I received a phone call from a mutual friend of ours, that her father passed away. Just like that. A moment, that I will probably never forget. And suddenly, Reality hits and instead of hanging out at my place as planned, I find myself going to her father’s funeral, seeing my beloved sister roommate speaking about her father in past tense. How can anything still make sense? It doesn’t. But what happens is that perspective starts to play a significant role. At least I, felt that once reality soaked in, a wave of clarity hit me, and all of a sudden, I was so aware of what is going on. Remember when Neo from Matrix could use his eyes for the first time? I guess, that I can relate to what he felt (I don’t mean to cliché my way out of explanations, but sometimes it just works)

Turning 27 made me realize one thing- it’s time to be an adult. So far, I enjoyed the freedom of making decisions without thinking of the consequences. It sometimes turned out well, sometimes it also didn’t but point is that responsibility has never been my strongest side. Why deal with responsibility when life can be that much easier? Why face problems, when you can just ignore them? Who has the power for confrontations anyway? But I guess that this is where the problem starts. Not taking responsibility or not facing whatever happens around you. It is just like cutting a tree and assuming it won’t grow back. It’s temporary. Once you take it by the roots though, you know you are done for good. Now, remember the day I was asked if I have ever been in love? That same day, I said good bye to someone I care about so much. It was one of the hardest things I have done in the past year. He meant so much to me and we had something very special. But what I realized was that even though it was special, it was just not working the way it was supposed to. It was an illusion, and it was time to travel back to reality, leave that beautiful pink bubble we built and face the real world. Just like in the winter, you know, when it’s time to get out from under that warm blanket, step on the cold floor and start your day. One of the things I brought up when talking to him was that “if it wouldn’t suck, it wouldn’t be the right thing”. I guess, that this is what adulthood is about. Being able to also make the decisions, that don’t make you happy but are right.

So, have I ever been in love? I don’t know maybe I was maybe I wasn’t. But honestly, is that even relevant at this point? I am one step closer to growing up, slowly putting the “little me” behind and making room for “grown up” me (This sounds wayyyy wiser than I actually mean it…but you get the idea), who will hopefully be able to keep on making the right choices, even if they are not always simple and sometimes even hurtful. I feel like this past two weeks, have been so eventful (obviously more things happened, but I also need to leave some stories for other posts, don’t I?) and helped me get closer to wherever it is I need to get. So my conclusion is- growing up sucks. But, if it wouldn’t suck it wouldn’t be the right thing, isn’t that so?

Yours,

A not too little girl