Funny how people view each other. No one stops and thinks how their actions and/or words affect others. They don't Realize just how easy it can be to break someone's Spirit. Especially when that person is already at breaking point. They assume things are all hunky dory with that person simply because they happen not to be whinny cows. I realize now how messed up life can be. Even if you give your all to people they will turn around and utterly crush you, as if your nothing.

We're all different, I get that, How do you expect people to believe you care about them, when you can't be bothered by how they feel. Why are people amused by others failures and fears. Don't act like you're immune. We all feel pain. Which I suppose is a good thing. It is a reminder that we are alive, but how alive can you be when you feel numb for the most part of life. It is easy to tune out feelings, esp when majority of them are completely crushing to the person experiencing those feelings.

I don't remember when last I sang from the pit of my stomach, danced until my body ached, Laughed until my face and stomach hurt.

I guess I am now getting tired of the weight I am constantly carrying. Tried speaking to people they were kind enough to point out I am always negative. Obviously that's what it is. My negativity! Has nothing to do with when I do for others I'm wonderful. Then when things are good in their lives, they reject me. Has nothing to do with how people laugh at me or belittle me. No. It's clearly all me, as I control how others perceive and respond to me.

For years I've been told I am too hard. I need to let go. Open up. Allow people in. So far all I have received from that, is heartbreak.
The strangest part about all of this is how those very people can turn around and remind me how they are hurting. Silly of me to think I would or should matter.

Oh... let's not forget how "I need to learn to be selfish, stop putting others ahead of myself". Funny, some of those "caring" people don't take time out from their busy lives to stop and attempt to connect to me. Check in whether I am okay? Well... can't blame them, They've got their own problems. Why would I matter when it does not benefit them?

One thing I am certain of, is that I am tired. Often I am convinced that no longer existing would be better than living broken.
All I have in this world is my family and my kids. They need me. So I keep quiet an go on.
Living a life where you only exist is a complete waste. I need to figure this out. For mine and my children's sake.