“Why do you want to play with me?”

If you approach me about bottoming to you and I’m interested in discussing it further, this is one of the first questions I will ask you. The answer often helps eliminate people who would treat me like a fetish dispensing robot for their pleasure. When I’m negotiating potential play as a Top, I rarely get asked this question, especially not by newbies. But I think the answer is important…

I want to play with you because I want you to know that you have options. Different people play in all sorts of different ways. As long as there is informed enthusiastic consent from all parties involved, I’m not going to judge your Kink. But I’ve lost count of how many newbies I know whose first experiences were with people who espoused a “you’re doing it wrong if you don’t do it MY way” philosophy.

If you’re unhappy in a situation, it’s not necessarily because you’re bad at it or doing it wrong; you may simply be incompatible with your Partner. (That doesn’t make them a bad person unless they are trying to shame you, intimidate you, or otherwise manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. Please, please, please be very careful with anyone who tells you their version of kink is the only One True Way to do it.)

I want to play with you because I want you to know that sex is not the price of admission to the wonderful world of bdsm. I’m not going to try to fuck you. We will not be having sex the first time we play. Indeed, we will likely never have sex unless we develop an on-going relationship other than “play partners.” This is a personal Limit of mine, and it may mean you don’t want to play with me. I can accept that.

I want to play with you because I’m not going to test your limits. I will do everything in my power to ensure I understand your boundaries, and I will respect them. Especially the first time(s) we play, I will avoid doing anything that might make you nervous I’m anywhere close to violating your consent. Which means I’m not going to blow your mind. I’m not a magical wizard who knows exactly how to transport you to the optimum submission zone with zero damage, and I don’t pretend to be.

I’m going to be careful with you, and if that means I don’t meet some romanticized standard of domination, so be it. In other words, I am not the Christian Grey you’re looking for. I don’t have anything to prove, and my ego doesn’t require me to be the person who takes you everywhere you’ve never been before. Eventually, if we build trust and rapport, I will push you farther than you imagined possible, and we will both enjoy it. But for now, let’s take baby steps.

I want to play with you, because I revel in your trust and vulnerability. I know I strive to be a safe person to play with, but if we’ve never played before, you are taking a leap of faith. Hopefully, you’ve done your due diligence and asked around about me. Maybe you’ve seen me play publicly, or seen photos of the aftermath of my scenes on Fetlife. Perhaps you’ve been referred to me by one of my current play partners or someone you trust who thinks we’d be a good match. I’m honored that you would consider playing with me, and I don’t take that vote of confidence lightly.

I want to play with you because service is my ultimate kink. Knowing that something I did has made someone else’s life better- even for a fleeting moment- is the greatest satisfaction I can achieve. I hope through our play, you will gain new insight about yourself and your likes/dislikes. Do not mistake this to mean I don’t actually enjoy topping, or that I will allow you to top from the bottom. I delight in taking control of you, inflicting delicious torment, and eliciting responses. The service aspect is just the cherry on top.

I want to play with you, but I’m not attached to it. If the offer of play is on the table, it can be rescinded at any time, by either of us, for any reason. I will not be upset with you if you change your mind. If you don’t want to play with me, I won’t behave any differently than if you do. I am not entitled to playing with you, and I don’t think if I just wait my turn, I deserve to get a shot at you. I don’t have an agenda other than making sure you know it’s acceptable to set limits, have standards, and be discriminating in your choice of play partners.

I want to play with you, and it’s perfectly ok if we never do.