I'm not sure precisely what event reminded me that I had a blog. Much as I had forgotten I had ever written a blog, I had certainly forgotten the content. As I look back on the sleep deprived ramblings of my final year as a student, two thought struggle for supremacy:
1- What was so devastating in my life that justified such puerile outbursts.
2- What an eloquent motherfucker

Well I'm now nearly a year and a half further on. No longer the most junior of Doctors, and no longer so inclined to waste my time in flights of self-pity. Or at least so I'd like to think. So what's changed in my life? Whilst I wish I could say with any degree of confidence that advancing age had heralded increased wisdom, at least I can confirm my priorities in life have changed. New found values ..... is that a sign of maturity or just increasing cynicism?

I look back in astonishment that I ever let my happiness be so dependent on those around me. It surprises me that my relationships with friends were ever so strong that a fluctuation could affect me so deeply. Friendships are volatile, they wax and wane; tellingly, most of those that hurt me the most are still my "friends". I wonder how it took so long for the realistaion to dawn that friends are not the rocks you build your life upon - just a ruthlessly practical mechanism to make life more comfortable at that moment. Why nurture the illusion that those who value you for your wit and enthusiasm will remain as enthralled by the real us, the vulnerable one they may never have seen. I no longer feel hurt when those around me melt away - when you have no expectations of a person you remove their ability to affect you. The gradual detatchment from the people around me has brough anonymity, and with it a degree of freedom. But then as I write these words I wonder if perhaps my new found values are just cynicism masquerading as maturity. Perhaps on an academic level I can feel superior in my enlightenment, but part of me remains wistful at the loss of faith in the depths of my relationships, however illusory that may be.