The last time we talked, you said you’d Forgiven me for everything I did. That has sat wrong and been bugging me since. For what do I need forgiveness? Is it the reaching out after a nightmare to see if you’re ok? Is it the staying in contact and encouraging you when you were afraid after leaving that abusive realtionship? Is it the months I spent trying to convince you that you’re beautiful and worthwhile when you felt otherwise? Is it the times I helped with your son when you seemed overwhelmed? Is it the times I told you that you were a great mother when ex-mother-in-law did her best to make you feel otherwise? Maybe it was the care and affection I showed you in March? Or the late nights staying up and texting you? Maybe it was the months of text messages to entertain you while you were bored at work? Or was it the time I spent letting you vent your frustrations after nephew came through on his runaway trip to whereever? Maybe it’s all the times that you’ve needed me and I’ve been there when you felt you were alone? Was it the battery I bought for your phone when you couldn’t afford it? Or the Kindle I gave you? Or the resume redo I spent hours working on for you?

I have nothing for which I need your forgiveness. I have done nothing but be there when you needed me the most. However, when I needed you the most, you were no where to be found. You claimed that I stopped talking to you. Communication is a two way street and could have just as easily been initiated by you. I explained that I was battling another serious bout of depression, and you’ve known me for 21 years now. When depression rears its ugly head, I withdraw. I did the same thing when we were dating. Instead of checking up on me or engaging me in conversation to see what was wrong or if I was ok, you left me to my own personal hell. If that wasn’t bad enough, when I was so sick that the Hospital decided to admit me (mind you I pay cash for all my medical so for them to admit someone with no insurance I had to be life threateningly sick), I get next to nothing in communication from you. Someone who allegedly loved me and dreamed of spending the rest of her days with me. Someone who told me in my arms felt like home. Someone who told me that she never stopped loving me. I worried about you because I hadn’t heard from you so on my way home from the hospital, where I have been for two days, I messaged you to see if you’re alright, only to find out that everything you told me was a lie. That you’ve been gallivanting around with a new boyfriend and that you’ve been where you didn’t have signal and didn’t want to seem rude.

So it is not I who needs forgiveness, but it is you who needs to be forgiven. I honestly feel that you only said you forgave me in hopes of me saying I had forgiven you, so you could feel better about yourself. The only thing I need to be forgiven for is my own foolishness in thinking that this time would be any different than any other time. You stay for as long as you feel you need me then you’re gone again. It happened when Joy died, when you got divorced, when Jennifer died, and now. With every ounce of my heart and soul, and every bit of honesty I can muster, I don’t know if I can forgive you, but I know I can force it down and bury it deep where it doesn’t bother me anymore.

You said you understand that we can’t be friends, but you don’t want to be enemies. The truth is, you have to become nothing more than a memory, a page in the past never to be visited again. To be an enemy requires effort, that quite frankly at this point in my life, I am not willing to spend. The best thing you can do, is carry on in your life as if I had died on that hospital bed. Live as if I no longer exist, because I am going to live as if you are longer. From this day forward I will only look at you as the girl who three times has broken my heart. If it requires that I manufacture hatred to convince myself to stay away from you forever, than that is what I will do. I will bury any feelings that I have that make me want to be a part of your life until they can’t be found anymore. I will no longer feel like or allow myself to be your fallback boy. This time, possibly for the first time in my life, I am putting myself first. In doing so that means that I am not here for anything you may need from me, no matter how dire. I have cut you from my life completely. You are not an enemy, you are nothing, just a page in the past.