Today I went to my happy local Target Store to get new contacts, my old ones having shriveled up into dried, deposit-clad flakes. It's been a while since I wore them, and even I couldn't reconstitute them from the grave. So the lovely doctor did all the flippy lenses tests, and told me that my vision was pretty much the same, but that last test, which was clear, and bright, and lo I could read the fine print, that was the bifocal test. So like the boomers before me, I went to the local spinner rack display to pick up some reading glasses.

I have a message for the boomers before me: this is all you can come up with? My choices ranged from maniac granny to librarian with a whip. I was hoping for something more along the lines of Italian film star, something to give heart to a girl with greying hair and stiffening eye muscles, not make me the woman most likely to be hit on by a man with a fetish for schoolmarms.

This summer my project is to look in every thrift store I pass for cool frames. If I have to hang something off my neck it should have rhinestones! Be turquoise! Glow in the dark! Give me stock market updates! Produce a calming cloud of negative ions!

I think some scientists had better get to work on this.