All right. Here goes: The dissection of a spam e-mail. Note that I changed nothing, only added comments. You can recognize those easily. They're the parts not shouted out loud (i.e. CAPS LOCK) as if being read to the hard of hearing. Oh, and it's the parts that have actual interpunction.

DIRECTOR OF THE ACCOUNTS AND RECORDS DEPT.
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO,
WEST AFRICA.

Well. The African Development Bank, I'll be damned. They were founded in 1964, to help social and economic development in African countries. Wonder what on Earth they need me for.

DEAR SIR,

Well, it got the gender right. That's an improvement over some, but it still lacks a name.

I AM PLEASED TO WRITE AND INTRODUCE MYSELF AS THE ABOVE DIRECTOR INCHARGE OF
RECORDS AND ACCOUNTS OF THIS BANKING INSTITUTION.

I'm pleased to write too. It's been a while, and I should have done it more often. But I have already introduced myself - in fact, you seem to know me, otherwise you wouldn't have contacted me. Now, remind me, what was your name again? The Above Director? Is that a regular African name? And you're "incharge", aren't you? What's that? My dictionary doesn't recognize it, although it does give some interesting alternatives. Enlarge? 19-inch rack?

Also, I appreciate your pointing out it being of this banking institution. You just capslocked it as me a short while ago, so surely, I must have forgotten what you were talking about already.

MY REASON OF WRITING THIS LETTER TO YOU IS IN CONNECTION WITH A VERY
LUCRATIVE BUSINESS AT HAND WHICH I BELIEVE THAT YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN DOING WITH ME.

A very lucrative business? Wow! Golly, sure, I'm interested. I always want to talk business with people sending me mail in a style which puts 9-year olds that use it in a very specific box aptly named "ignore".

I WRITE WITHOUT THE LEAST INTENTION OF BRINGING ANY EMBARRASEMENT TO YOU, THIS IS NO JOKE SO PLEASE TREAT EVERY LINE OF IT WITH UTMOST SERIOUSNESS.

Oh, trust me, I will. Do you see me laughing? I don't even know what a sense of humour is!

TRUSTING IN YOUR GOOD INTENTION TO ELEVATE YOUR SOCIAL STANDARD ,I THEREFORE ASK YOU TO READ MY LETTER VERY CAREFULLY BEFORE THROWING IT INTO THE DUST BIN OR REPLYING TO ME.

Now, how would you know about my low social standards? Where are you asking me to elevate them to, anyway? To a point where I start capslocking too? And where's the fun in replying if I have to read it very carefully before I do so. On top of that, why do you think I would waste the paper needed to print out this mail if only to throw it in the dustbin? Besides, you don't throw paper in the dustbin, it goes on the old paper pile. How's that for social standards?

FIRSTLY,I LIKE TO SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY FOR A NONDISCLOSURE OF ANY PART OF THE CONTENTS OF THIS LETTER WHICH IF YOU DO WILL AUTOMATICALLY RUINS ALL OUR EFFORTS TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS .

Don't worry, no-one reads my blog anymore anyways. However, I find it surprising that if I do this nondisclosure thingy of yours, it will automatically ruins all our efforts. First of all because you suddenly hop from singular to plural, of course, but that's not all. The part that puzzles me most is how I have to shout it from the rooftops for it to work.

I AM ASSURING YOU THAT I HAVE GOOD FAITH IN THIS BUSINESS AND WILL BE OF MUTUAL BENEFIT TO BOTH OF US AS LONG AS WE MAINTAIN STRICT CONFIDENTIALITY OF THE BUSINESS AND DO NOT DEVELOP IDEAS OF DISHONESTY TOWARDS EACH OTHER WHEN MONEY IS ON THE TABLE.

Say what? I think I agree here, although I probably missed whatever the hell it was you're trying to say. Just smile and nod politely, I guess.

I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO ASK FOR YOUR FAVOUR TO ASSIST ME TO CARRY OUT A BUSINESS VENTURE WITH MY GOODSELF.

Who's your Goodself? Is it like a father? And why would I - a simple guy over in that Asian peninsula - help you - "DIRECTOR OF THE ACCOUNTS AND RECORDS DEPT.
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK" - in a business venture? Isn't that, like, your job?

I WORK IN A VERY SENSITIVE DEPARTMENT OF THE ABOVE BANK WHERE I WATCH PEOPLES BANKING RECORDS AND ACCOUNT ON A DAILY BASIS.

I do stuff with books, am looking for something else, and roleplay three nights a week. I'm glad we're getting to know one another here!

IN MY LINE OF DUTY, I HAVE BEEN WATCHING A VERY HUGE SUMS OF MONEY WHICH HAVE BEEN LYING DORMANT SINCE THE YEAR 2000 AGAINST BANKING LAWS.

Must be a busy job if you can spend 6 years watching money do nothing. And if that money is acting against banking laws, why don't you do something about it? I suggest sueing it for breaking said laws or something - it might just be a stupid idea, but then again, what do I know of banking - or law? As I said, that's your job.

THE SUM IS ($28M USD.("TWENTY EIGHT MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS ),

I'm glad you spelled it out for me - my limited intellectual capacity might not have grasped the full extent of it otherwise. However, you forgot one thing: how much is that in Euro's?

THIS AMOUNT IS IN OUR BANK'S VAULT; MONEY THAT ONCE BELONG TO ONE ASIA AMERICAN MINERALS BUSINESS DEALER WHO WAS ASSASSINATED ALONG WITH HIS WIFE IN THEIR HOTEL SUITE AT KATANGA IN THE DEMOCRATIC REUBLIC OF CONGO WHERE HE AND HIS WIFE WERE ON A BUSINESS TRIP TO BUY DIAMONDS FROM THE LOCAL REBEL TRADERS.

What, as in actual cash? I'm sorry, I haven't seen that in a while, dealing mostly with the virtual variant myself. I also noticed that you're able of giving me very specific details of the previous owner of said money. Almost enough for someone who wants to to go and check out the background story. Hell, you seem to know so much about it - are you sure you don't have anything to do with their untimely demise?

THE DEAD COUPLES DOES NOT SEEM TO HAVE ANY KNOWN FAMILY LEFT BEHIND TO CLAIM THEIR MONEY UNDER THIS CIRCUMSTANCE. THEY HAD LIVED IN AFRICA FOR 23 YEARS; THEY MAY HAVE LOST THEIR PARENTAL BACKGROUND CONTACT AND FAMILY CONNECTIONS.

I've heard living in Africa has that effect on people.

SINCE WE HEARD OF HIS DEATH, WE HAVE BEEN EXPECTING A NEXT-OF-KIN TO COME OVER TO PUT FORWARD HIS/HER CLAIMS AS THE BENEFICIARY TO THE DECEASED MAN'S FUNDS.

Who's this "we" you're talking about all of a sudden?

HOWEVER, THIS HAS NOT HAPPENED AND NO ONE HAS SINCE COME FORWARD OR EVEN WROTE A LETTER TO US TO LAY CLAIM ON THE MILLIONS LAYING IDLE IN OUR BANK

Let me terminate this never-ending-phrase right here. Did you just tell me that not only no-one has claimed the money, but on top of that, no-one hasclaimed the money? Wow, talk about shocking.

WITHOUT ANY ADENTIFIED LIVING OWNER AND THIS FUND BY LAW SHOULD BE SOON TRANSFERED TO THE CENTRAL BANK FOR THE USE OF GOVERNMENT, UNLESS SOMEONE APPLY OFFICIALLY TO CLAIM THIS SUM AS THE NEXT-OF-KIN .

"adentified"? Another word not included in my dicto. What's this transfer to central bank for government use deal anyways?

I AM WILLING TO GIVE 30% TO THE FOREIGN PARTNER AND ADDITIONAL 10% FOR ALL HIS MINOR EXPENCES WITH YOUR LAWYER WHO SHALL BY LAW REPRESENT YOU IN SIGNING ALL DOCUMENTS DURING THE PROCESSING OF THE SAID AMOUNT TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

Who's the "foreign partner"? What does he have to do with my lawyer? And wouldn't Are you proposing me to sign as next-of-kin? Why don't you just say so? And wouldn't that require me to be of Asian descent if it was to be at all believable? On top of that, that's not very high on the social standard side of things, is it?

TAKE NOTE THAT WHILE THE TRANSFER WILL BE IN PROGRESS, WE CANNOT TAKE OUT A SINGLE CENT FROM THAT AMOUNT OR AUTHORISE THE BANK TO PAY ANY PERSON FROM THE SAID AMOUNT UNTIL THE FULL TRANSFER HAS BEEN DONE AND PROCEEDS SENT DIRECTLY TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.

Uhm... I don't know, isn't that how banks usually work anyways? Correct me if I'm wrong here, I have no experience in banking, obviously.

YOU SHALL THEREFORE HAVE TO FIND THE MEANS TO SETTLE YOUR BILLS WITH YOUR LAWYER UNTIL YOU RECEIVE THE MONEY.

I'm sure I'll have no trouble of convincing my lawyer to just do this for me for free. We're close like that.

I HOPE THAT THIS WILL BE VIEWED IN THE CONTEXT OF A FAIR DEAL AGREEABLE TO BOTH OF US IN THE BUSINESS.

Hey, you're the one in the business. I don't work in banking. Or do you mean there are only two people in the world of banking?

PLEASE, INDICATE YOUR INTEREST TO BE MY PARTNER

But I barely know ye, good sir...

IN THIS BUSINESS IF YOU WILL,

Oh, sorry, my bad.

IN YOUR REPLY TO THIS LETTER,

That is if I decide not to dump it in the dustbin.

I WILL THEN SEND YOU A TEXT OF APPLICATION LETTER TO APPLY AS THE LEGAL NEXT OF KIN OF THIS MONEY;

Next of kin of the money? Does that mean I have to prove ties to Benjamin Franklin, Ulysses S. Grant, Andrew Jackson, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington?

A TEXT THAT YOU WILL FILL IN THE BLANKS AND SUBMIT TO THE APPROPRIATE BANKING DEPARTMENTS OF THE ABOVE BANK FOR NECESSARY COMMENCEMENT OF THIS TRANSACTION IN AN EMAIL ADDRESS OF THE BANK THAT I WILL SENT TO YOU.

That's a lot of work you want me to do there. Filling in blanks, e-mailing some bank...

ANY QUESTION PAPER THAT THE BANK SHALL SEND TO YOU MUST BE FORWARDED TO ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I CAN FILL IT MYSELVES TO AVOID MISTAKES.

Don't you trust my ability to fill in official forms? And won't the bank want an answer in less time than it takes to send mail back and forth to Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso?

I LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE AND THANKS FOR YOUR
COOPERATION.

No problem, laddie.

BEST REGARD,
MALIK ABU.
BANK OFFICIAL

Ah, Malik Abu, that was the name.

Hope you enjoy this little filler. I might just be back soon.

See ya!