7.09pm
Everytime I post a remark saying "I'm going hell" in sequence with an offensive joke that my friends and I had shared, I was kidding. And god knows how many times I have managed to escape death for all the things I have done as an individual human living on this earth.
This time, it was real. I'm literally afraid of the possibilities of what I just said. I am indeed going to receive my Punishment. Perhaps not now, but later in life.
Things just happened so briefly, I'm so lost for words as to what a demon I have become. It was completely my fault for throwing a fit, which is horrifying because I became something more than I Promised myself not to be. I wanted peace and calm, but deep inside, the raging war wouldn't stop budging in. I had to curse myself every time things didn't go my way.
They say the cure for anger is forgiveness. If you are angry - forgive. However each time the time bomb ticks, I forgot to apply methods of what I've been learning over the years. Counting to ten, deep breaths, laughing, listening to music, going for a walk, cutting papers, changing topic etc. Instead, I had to turn into the nearest blade or tools to vent.
Sure, I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes, and is desperately trying to make up to my Family members for my fallacy. I promised myself to stop using harmful and toxic methods to cure my temporary unhappiness. Then it always happen that I had to cut.
I made mom cry today, it was just awhile ago where the peaceful and quiet twilight hour until an uproarious agrument occurred. I began punching doors and throwing objects, clawing my skin and yelling about the topic. Then, I cut a piece of cloth that mom loves.
The aftermath of the cutting scene feels like the world has crashed on mom's head. She sat on the bedside speechless, shedding tears and chanting why she gave birth to a monster like me.
I need help, I'm at wit's end. Begging for God to sentence me with the punishment I deserve. Honestly. I want to go now, I have enough of torturing this family and my job is done here.
Let me, god. Let me serve all my punishments when the time has come. Let this family live for as long as you stay watching over them surrfering in silence.
Let god or let me.
