12.36am

Have you ever come into realisation that the problem isn't others but yourself? Perhaps such cognition only occurs in a deep transcendence state of meditation. In short self awareness. Tension between mom and I have rose to a difficult level, where we knew secretly that we hated each other. Of course she wouldn't say regrettable things like I should not had given birth to someone like you or go to hell, but we knew deep down how much she hate the sight of me. Both god and I worked together to develop a strong understanding about how such issues happened.

That's why friends are not mandatory I said to myself. I've been struggling in terms of relationship with my family members since the start of the "hospitalization" apocalypse. More people create more problems, lesser people cause Peace and harmony. That said, I kept having this inquisition stuck in my head as to why people change.

From my observation in school, people tag others with terrible names, spreading Hateful Comments and turning it obvious to the other party. However, they weren't like this before it happened, it seemed thst changes like this were gradually build up. Perhaps they escaped confrontation each time a comment was made, they see it as a comfort tool to release stress or maybe they get out of the experience with minor satisfaction. Mom was complaining to me about this auntie at work, that auntie loves to gossip about others, even though she's friends with everyone at work. She spreads nasty rumours about others and soon, everyone know she's a bitch and the things she said were not true. However, they listened to what she says anyways and didn't confront her nor ignore her hateful comments.

But why? Why are people so afraid to tell her off? It's not like she's the manager or someone special, she's just a normal human being working together with my mom. Have they not step up and told her off, she would've changed her attitude by now. Do people really love to mind their own business and let whatever negativity light consume her?

Maybe its hard for her to change, she is probably consumed by years of negativity and bad mouthing so much so that she has to spread rumors in order to make herself feel better.

My teachers knew the problems of their students, they know their characteristics and behaviours at the back of her head. Why doesn't she step up to talk some sense into us students? So is education more important than morals? Or people were competitng so hard in this industry that they became self centered and obsess with winning? So what if you score better than other people, if your morals and characteristics are a zero, to me, you will always be zero, lacking behind others whom are desperately trying to change themselves.

I'm trying really hard, and I will thoroughly apologise to the people I have once hurt via what I said because we have all been there before, hurting others and getting hurt by others. I realised my change in behaviour was triggered by secondary school events, with all the eating problems and struggling to make peace with classmates, and I realised it now, I want feel better about myself, I screamed and fought whomever gets in my way. However it doesn't work that way, i have to change.

Nobody told me to, I'm probably tired of talking and faking my way to life. It doesn't make me feel better about myself at all. All the more, I feel empty and unhappy about myself.

Thus I don't care about what you and you said about my hair, my face, or myself as a person. If I like it, I'll change not for you but for my personal growth. If I don't, expect silence because that's your opinion and I can't change you. Perhaps one day, when all of us grow old, we'll be sitting on the rocking chair revisiting the past and regretting the things we did or said whilst slowing waiting for death to consume us.