I am convinced that in some language, Percoset means "happiness." No, not for long term use. But this weekend would have been utter torment without it, between post-surgical pain, being alone, and some emotional turmoil.

The funniest thing is that Percoset wasn't the only good part of the weekend. I think it helped me feel more secure and less panicky about D., especially since he was out of town. I really hope I can continue with my new protocol of no freaking out. It's hard for me to not freak out when I think I
am falling in love...though I certainly don't have the guts to tell D. that. But I'm pretty sure he knows. He's a smart guy, and my shirt sleeves are covered in cardiac muscle. The biggest trick is not telling myself, baselessly I should add, that he doesn't feel the same way. I don't know. I hope he does. It'll really suck if he doesn't, but I know I'm strong enough to survive it...I just don't want to have to.

And then there's the strangest thing: Tommy came back. Tommy was a big, strange part of my life many years ago. I met him online, became friends, and inadvertently fell in love with him, or the persona he portrayed. I was a really weak, frightened person then. My life was falling apart, my relationship was falling apart, and he offered me the attention, friendship, support, whatever, that helped me to get through it. It was a fucked up friendship - especially when he disappeared all of a sudden, and he's not someone for me to fall in love with...but like it or not, I care about the guy. I want to ask him about his real life. I want to be friends with the person he really is, and I'm afraid he'll never let me in. Worse, how can I ever know for sure? The internet allows people to lie, portray who or whatever they want to be. I do know, though, that if he disappears again, I'm really going to give him hell.

I don't get it. I have so much love, so much caring for other people, and still I feel that people see me as a cold, sarcastic, unloving bitch. Maybe because there's no in between. Either I'll die for someone, or I wish they'd die. I think I'm getting better at not letting people know I want them to die, unless they push me. Then they deserve whatever I have to tell them.