Don't act coy. We've all seen it. The good-looking girl, sitting on a bench in the park. Confiding to the camera (and, as an extension, however many millions of people who are Watching, and me, trying to eat my soup) that she has, ugh, Herpes. See her clutch her sweater and look longingly into the distance as she relays how having to worry about breakouts takes days out of her life. See her boyfriend standing stoically in the background, quietly offering a supportive hand on her shoulder while internally cursing himself for getting drunk that one night and "kissing the kitty."
Then comes the part I don't friggin get. In every one of these commercials, everyone is participating in some kind of outdoor activity. They're riding bikes. They're canoing. They're hiking. They're jet-skiing. What on God's green Earth does this have to do with getting an STD? Are they trying to equate Herpes with Poison Ivy? Cuz I had that a bunch of times when I was growing up, and the last thing I wanted to do was go kayaking. I wanted to rip my skin off and bury it under the porch. No, I think there's a more sinister plot going on here...
What I think is that the drug companies WANT you to think having an STD is fun. That way, they get as many people as possible infected with something, and in turn, they all have to come running to the big drug companies for pills and creams. It's so diabolically genius it makes me sick to my ass. It's so subtle, it's like subliminal messages.
Ooooo, it's totally like that movie They Live. Remember that one? Rowdy Roddy Piper was Nada, the unemployed construction worker who finds a pair of special sunglasses that let him see all these freaky aliens that look like us. Then when he looks at all the billboards and TV's, he sees all these messages like "obey" and "be healthy and procreate" and "keep sleeping". I think these Valtrex commercials are just like that. If you had Nada's sunglasses and put them on while that chick is spilling her guts about being outbreak free, you'd totally see some skeleton-faced alien riding a bike with a shirt that said "get Herpes and take Valtrex."
To be honest, I can't wait to meet the person who says, "Yeah, I got Herpes, like, a year ago. I was watching TV, and I saw that Valtrex commercial. It made the whole experience seem so much fun. Boy, was I wrong." Oh, and I can't forget to keep an eye out for the first lawsuit from someone snookered into getting the Herp from watching little Miss Itchy Pants hiking with her boyfriend.
Next week... I tackle that monument to everything noodle-like, unmanly, and slightly creepy and inappropriate for prime time: the Viagra ad.
