Happy New Year!

I haven’t posted to this blog in over a month. It wasn’t my intention to take the time off from writing here, but something odd came over me after Thanksgiving; something I had not experienced since just before I gave birth to my son almost eighteen years ago. I was nesting. Instead of writing blog posts on Sundays I was moving the refrigerator and vacuuming up the dust rabbits that had been multiplying back there for longer than I care to admit. Then there was my room. I tackled it in three stages: the closet, the bathroom and then the room itself. I shredded four bags of paper that I had shoved in various corners and drawers all over my bedroom.

Once I realized the urge to clean, discard and organize was not going anywhere, I just went with it. After the dust settled and was wiped away, I felt like I’d pulled together the loose ends of 2010 and was ready to give birth to the new year.

My nesting impulse pacified, I shifted into planning mode during my annual end of December vacation. What is most exciting about my goals for 2011 is that none of them include weight- loss or going on some insanely restrictive diet, both of which have always been at the top of my list of resolutions in years past. No, in 2011 I’m looking forward to turning forty, reclaiming my soft side, and becoming more of myself.

I started claiming forty around October of last year. I didn’t feel the need to cling to thirty-nine. My thirties were trying, painful, informative and set me up to plow full force into the joy of a new decade. And I’m ready for it. I’m thankful that I have made it to this age and that I have survived my life so far, not just intact, but better than when I entered adulthood. I have laid down many burdens, cut loose even heavier relationships, and I handling all of my business on my own; on my own terms. I am in a place of contentment and I finally realize that this is where true happiness and success actually jump off.

Turning forty is also shining a light on a side of me that I have neglected. During my week and a half vacation, I had one day where I found myself in tears. My mind was in the past and in the future at the same time and I sort of “dropped my basket.” It was the first time I had really been still in months with no agenda or schedule or deadlines to meet. My softer side decided to take advantage of the down time. Because I have always viewed my soft side as my weakness, I waged war against my meltdown instead of just sitting with it, reflecting on the issues that came up and then letting it go. When fighting failed, I did ten minutes of yoga to push back the depression that was threatening around the edges and then I got out my journal. Because I have to be strong in every aspect of my life, I give myself very little time to be soft, to be emotional…to be a mess. In 2011 my journal will be my safe place to put the emotional messes that come up from my soft side. No more dismissing it; time for a full embrace.

I am also fully embracing my authentic self this year. Taped to the top of my bathroom mirror are two index cards with the word “Become” on one and “Yourself” on the other. This phrase is in Marianne Williamson’s book, A Woman’s Worth, which I re-read over my break. It is also heard in the monologue that is featured in the preview for Tyler Perry’s film, Colored Girls. It dawned on me during my time of reflection and planning that this simple phrase, “Become Yourself” is the only reason we are all here. It is our true purpose in life. When you are truly yourself and living the life that is yours, you are happy and loving and giving and open and generous. All the things I believe God intended us to be.

My primary goal this year (outside of my writing projects, non-stop yoga practice, and dropping my son off at somebody’s college in the fall) is to be more loving and more receptive to love. Managing these tasks has been difficult for me in the past, but my heart is open and I am up for the challenge.

Here’s hoping we all have a dynamic year. -MBL