He said he would be gone for a year. He loved me but he had to go have a walkabout. He would be a cowboy mystic or a poet baker or a minstrel gardener and, with both of us so newly divorced, he said the time alone would make us better partners to each other when he, inevitably, came back in September. But maybe he wouldn't be back, he said. Probably, he said, but not for sure.
I was so freaked by the end of my relationship with Peter and new role as single mom that I co-signed this nonsense. We wrote sometimes and called each other sometimes and he said just enough to keep me in but never enough for me to exhale. After a few months, I had reached the end of what I could bear. He told me not to wait for him, even though he would probably most certainly be back, but Waiting for him was all I could seem to do.
Beautiful Man from the diner, a candidate worthy of my attentions, was ignored because I was waiting for him. I lost 30 pounds, then 40, and waited for him to appreciate my new body. The blog sat unpublished for a couple of months because I was waiting for him to read it first. Photographs of houses were stored away for his eventual approval because I was waiting for us to move in together. Waiting and, it's fucked up twin, silence are the Devil in disguise. They are to be avoided at all costs and eventually I started to unravel. I ended it. We didn't have any contact for months and months.
The, very excellent and under played, Avett Brothers, have a Song called, The Ballad of Love and Hate. Every time I heard it while we were apart, I thought of John (that was/is his name) and even though I wasn't "technically" waiting anymore, I totally was and tried to send the song to him through osmosis. I listened to it often and loved it and loved John and hoped that he would call or send some kind of sign.
Five and a half months later, we spoke again. It was lovely and exciting. I had gone on with my life and he still loved me and I still loved him and we missed each other and he said, "Do you know The Avett Brothers?" I told him there was a song I wanted to send to him. He said there was a song he wanted to send to me. I thought it was proof that we were meant to be because he was only the second person I knew who was even aware the band existed, let alone that particular song. But it wasn't proof of anything cause not soon after that call, he said he didn't know. Well, he didn't actually "say" he didn't know, he just sent an e-mail on the day I was to drive 6 hours to see him and told me not to come. So,turns out it's just a song. A great fucking song, but just a song.
During the year that I most needed to have my feet on the ground, I had my head in the clouds and wasted so much time. Even if he had come back in the end, I hate that I didn't give anyone else a chance and I hate that I didn't pick my own house earlier or publish the blog when I wanted to. I hate that I didn't appreciate my own body or the work it took to get it and most of all, I hate that I waited. It is a horrible place, the waiting place. Just ask Dr. Seuss. I realize, finally, that I am never afraid of what I know, even when the news is bad, but waiting to decide because of not knowing? No mas.
When we're younger we think the opposite of love is hate but it's not. The opposite of love is indifference. I know this because I still hate him so, therefore, I still love him. In the song, Love says, "Whatever." I can't wait to say whatever. For now, I guess I'll just hate some more - him, not me. Me, I forgive.
For the first 15 years we were apart, there was music I couldn't listen to without thinking of him with some regret or curiosity and it was great, when we got back together, to pull it all out and enjoy it again. Now, we're over and I've considered filing this song away because it's been painful to hear, of late. But I don't want to go the next 15 years missing out on music I love, especially these guys, so I am reclaiming it as MY song. I thought it was him but I think now that the person I've been waiting for is me. I'll let you know when I arrive. Any second now...
In the meantime, if you're not familiar with them yet, do yourself a favor and check out this band. They're wonderful, soulful, funny, clever and true.
NOTE: If the video doesn't play, here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cTJV3HK-Xs
I was so freaked by the end of my relationship with Peter and new role as single mom that I co-signed this nonsense. We wrote sometimes and called each other sometimes and he said just enough to keep me in but never enough for me to exhale. After a few months, I had reached the end of what I could bear. He told me not to wait for him, even though he would probably most certainly be back, but Waiting for him was all I could seem to do.
Beautiful Man from the diner, a candidate worthy of my attentions, was ignored because I was waiting for him. I lost 30 pounds, then 40, and waited for him to appreciate my new body. The blog sat unpublished for a couple of months because I was waiting for him to read it first. Photographs of houses were stored away for his eventual approval because I was waiting for us to move in together. Waiting and, it's fucked up twin, silence are the Devil in disguise. They are to be avoided at all costs and eventually I started to unravel. I ended it. We didn't have any contact for months and months.
The, very excellent and under played, Avett Brothers, have a Song called, The Ballad of Love and Hate. Every time I heard it while we were apart, I thought of John (that was/is his name) and even though I wasn't "technically" waiting anymore, I totally was and tried to send the song to him through osmosis. I listened to it often and loved it and loved John and hoped that he would call or send some kind of sign.
Five and a half months later, we spoke again. It was lovely and exciting. I had gone on with my life and he still loved me and I still loved him and we missed each other and he said, "Do you know The Avett Brothers?" I told him there was a song I wanted to send to him. He said there was a song he wanted to send to me. I thought it was proof that we were meant to be because he was only the second person I knew who was even aware the band existed, let alone that particular song. But it wasn't proof of anything cause not soon after that call, he said he didn't know. Well, he didn't actually "say" he didn't know, he just sent an e-mail on the day I was to drive 6 hours to see him and told me not to come. So,turns out it's just a song. A great fucking song, but just a song.
During the year that I most needed to have my feet on the ground, I had my head in the clouds and wasted so much time. Even if he had come back in the end, I hate that I didn't give anyone else a chance and I hate that I didn't pick my own house earlier or publish the blog when I wanted to. I hate that I didn't appreciate my own body or the work it took to get it and most of all, I hate that I waited. It is a horrible place, the waiting place. Just ask Dr. Seuss. I realize, finally, that I am never afraid of what I know, even when the news is bad, but waiting to decide because of not knowing? No mas.
When we're younger we think the opposite of love is hate but it's not. The opposite of love is indifference. I know this because I still hate him so, therefore, I still love him. In the song, Love says, "Whatever." I can't wait to say whatever. For now, I guess I'll just hate some more - him, not me. Me, I forgive.
For the first 15 years we were apart, there was music I couldn't listen to without thinking of him with some regret or curiosity and it was great, when we got back together, to pull it all out and enjoy it again. Now, we're over and I've considered filing this song away because it's been painful to hear, of late. But I don't want to go the next 15 years missing out on music I love, especially these guys, so I am reclaiming it as MY song. I thought it was him but I think now that the person I've been waiting for is me. I'll let you know when I arrive. Any second now...
In the meantime, if you're not familiar with them yet, do yourself a favor and check out this band. They're wonderful, soulful, funny, clever and true.
NOTE: If the video doesn't play, here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cTJV3HK-Xs
