I met my husband (I still have trouble saying ex-husband) when I was still in high school. I fell madly, head over heels in Love at first sight. I've loved him ever since and its been almost 30 years since I graduated. I never thought that 'true love' could disappear. I thought that, yes, there might be times when things weren't going great, but that our love would 'conquer all' and we would survive anything. That myth has been officially shattered for me and I think that in comparison to most people, I was a really slow learner in this department. Now I question whether 'true love' with 'the one' actually exists.
When I think logically, I have to question why out of all the millions of people on this earth I fell in love with someone I knew in my home town (not a large town) and I went to school with. What are the odds that 'the one' lived so close to me? Was that planned by some divine being who planted him close by so I could easily find him? Or did I fall in love with him because he was close by? Is there potential for us to fall in love with many people in our lives, to feel that deep connection with several people? I'm really questioning this now, because a part of me wants to believe that it is possible for me to find another 'true love'.
Maybe its like having children. I was madly in love with my first child and while I was pregnant with my second I couldn't imagine loving another child like I did my first. Of course that wasn't what happened, I fell madly in love with my second child too and I know that if I had had more children I would have loved them just as much. Can this idea carry over to romantic love as well? Do I have the capacity to truly, deeply love another man the way I love(d) my husband?
Part of me really wants to have that experience again in my life, but I know I'm not ready yet. I am seeing a therapist (surprise, I know) and when she asked me what I think I've lost with the break up of my marriage one of my answers was "the love of my life". She told me she thought this was really sad because I should be the love of my life and I think she is right. I am going to learn to really love myself before I love another man again. I am taking the time to learn about me now, really get to know myself and to love me so that the next time I 'fall in love' I don't lose myself.
Lanne
When I think logically, I have to question why out of all the millions of people on this earth I fell in love with someone I knew in my home town (not a large town) and I went to school with. What are the odds that 'the one' lived so close to me? Was that planned by some divine being who planted him close by so I could easily find him? Or did I fall in love with him because he was close by? Is there potential for us to fall in love with many people in our lives, to feel that deep connection with several people? I'm really questioning this now, because a part of me wants to believe that it is possible for me to find another 'true love'.
Maybe its like having children. I was madly in love with my first child and while I was pregnant with my second I couldn't imagine loving another child like I did my first. Of course that wasn't what happened, I fell madly in love with my second child too and I know that if I had had more children I would have loved them just as much. Can this idea carry over to romantic love as well? Do I have the capacity to truly, deeply love another man the way I love(d) my husband?
Part of me really wants to have that experience again in my life, but I know I'm not ready yet. I am seeing a therapist (surprise, I know) and when she asked me what I think I've lost with the break up of my marriage one of my answers was "the love of my life". She told me she thought this was really sad because I should be the love of my life and I think she is right. I am going to learn to really love myself before I love another man again. I am taking the time to learn about me now, really get to know myself and to love me so that the next time I 'fall in love' I don't lose myself.
Lanne
This post first appeared on Surviving Separation: My Journey As It Unfolds, please read the originial post: here
