Alright, here’s the deal: boys hate me and keep breaking up with me. I could write melodramatic posts about how I sometimes stare at water run down the sliding glass Shower door and pretend I’m in the Vanessa Carlton “Ordinary Day” video, or I can give you some Breakup Advice.

And well, not everyone needs a mental image of me in the shower, but everyone freaking needs Breakup advice from time to time. Here is the wealth of my knowledge!

1. Stalk.Him

Girl, get in the car and drive past his house. It will definitely help you to see his car there, and when his car isn’t there, you will feel even better. While you’re driving to the location of his latest FourSquare check-in, look at his Twitter profile to see the latest girls he’s followed. Instagram, too. Nothing says “take me back!” quite like reporting all of the girls he follows!

2. Take Advantage of Social Media

For the love, make sure you make this your Facebook status:

I cannot tell you how many boys I have won back the second they read that. Works like a charm.

3. Public Intox

If the Facebook status hasn’t convinced him quite yet, never fear: your backup is public intoxication in his presence. Make sure you cry, too, as your friends are holding back your hair while your face is in a toilet. Classy is key, ladies!

4. Make Out With Someone

When he hears that you made out with his roommate he will literally say this sentence: “I made a mistake. She’s wonderful. I have to spend the rest of my life with her!” I’m telling you, he will never want you more. Jealousy is always the way!

5. Text Him!

Of course he still wants to be best friends! That’s only natural. Make sure you let him know what you had for breakfast, when your next test is, and what your plans are for the weekend. He will also never see through any lame excuses to talk to him, so bringing up the pencil he let you borrow a month ago is a legitimate conversation starter. Don’t you worry.

Good luck and Godspeed, girlfriend!

(Or should I say ex-girlfriend?)