I’m learning to let go.
For the better part of the year, a good friend and I were deep into a dream of traveling the West together during summer vacation. The Grand Canyon! New Mexico! UTAH! California—trees, Yosemite! Denver! And then back through to Arkansas, a whirlwind of an adventure. Two girls in a car together, eating truck stop pancakes, endless stacks of mixed CD’s, dusty Chaco lines.
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I could practically feel the gritty wind on my face.
In the midst of our dreaming, however, we forgot to save enough money for such an adventure. Our trip has been canceled and we are, instead, going to a concert in Nashville and getting massages.
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On the 4th of July, under a canopy of twinkling stars, a boy kissed me. He asked me about my family. It was sweet. We have been texting and hanging out randomly since then, and, not-so-romantically, it completely freaks me out. I’m not good when it comes to talking/flirting/trusting/committing.
And right now it’s nothing—just the beginning stages of a maybe-something—but I like him, and that scares me.
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I went to the doctor a few months ago because I was unable to lose any weight. I had tried Weight Watchers and stressed myself into a cold sore on my lip. It wasn’t working.
My doctor looked at me and said, “You don’t need to lose any weight. You’re at a healthy weight for your height. BMI looks good.”
I read an article a few days ago about life lessons that you learn in your 20s. Two of them stood out to me significantly. The first was: You aren’t fat. And even if you are, being thinner won’t make people like you any more or less. The second was this: risk things for love. Shielding yourself from ever having a broken heart is not a victory.
That’s when I decided to change these things about myself. No, the road trip West isn’t happening, but instead of sulking, we are planning other fun things. I am forgetting my trust issues and just going with the flow with this boy. If something comes of it, great. If not, at least I didn’t run away without trying.
As for the weight, no use trying to change something that’s not broken.
Letting go feels good.
