Last Night @ 9:00 pm: My husband went to the freezer, removed a Trader Joe’s molten lava cake, popped it into the microwave, removed it from the microwave, settled himself on the sofa, and devoured 370 calories and 25 grams of sugar (I checked the back of the box) in about 90 seconds.

Last Night @ 9:20 pm: My husband went to the fridge, removed three stalks of Trader Joe’s organic Celery, settled himself on the sofa, and devoured 5 calories and 0 grams of sugar (an estimate).

This Morning @ 3:15 am: I walked into the kitchen, noticed a wayward Celery Stalk on the floor near the trash can, became anxious that it may have attracted cockroaches, imagined an overnight cockroach feeding frenzy (I FEAR cockroaches and like to imagine worst case scenarios at all times), and then by sheer will decided not to pick it up, just to see if Ali or Maya would.

This Morning @ 6:38 am: Maya walked into the kitchen, stepped over the celery stalk, poured herself an enormous bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (I’ll let you guess who facilitated the purchase of this healthy breakfast choice), stepped back over the celery stalk and proceeded to the dining table.

This Morning @ 7:02 am: Ali walked into the kitchen, stepped over the celery stalk, made himself tea and a giant bowl of oatmeal with raspberries, flaxseed, and approximately 8 tablespoons of brown sugar, stepped back over the celery stalk and proceeded to the dining table.

This Morning @ 7:55 am: Ali and Maya left for school, celery stalk still on the floor.

This Morning @ 8:02 am: I wondered why I was surprised Ali and Maya didn’t notice the giant green vegetable on the floor, threw the celery stalk in the trash, and left for work.

This Morning @ 8:03 am: I concluded that I live with two lazy, bug-welcoming, sugar-obsessed, potentially nearsighted individuals, who care little about having a clean kitchen, me, or really anything but themselves.

On the plus side I didn’t have to drop Maya to school. So victory?