I want to contact him.

To speak to him. To see him.

I know that desire is 'wrong' - that I should walk away, and indeed I am holding it at bay, but fuck it's hard.

Last night was horrible. I kept waking every hour and I keep dozing in between dreaming of him. Of him getting further and further away from me.

It's his birthday on the 15th.

No I hadn't bought him anything - although I kept thinking about it. He never got me anything for mine - although he made a big song and dance about having done so.

Funnily enough my present never arrived.

Lies.

I wish I could just flip a switch and turn him off. Cut him out of my mind.

It is always darkest before the dawn.