How low must my self-esteem be?

For almost 12 months he's had my attention waking and sleeping, not to mention my wallet.

Last night I discovered he is not gay like he has been telling me (and every other guy who came into his cam room) but actually straight.

Now that's fine, if he had been upfront with me in the first place.

But he wasn't. He lied. Repeatedly.

He doesn't know I know.

I should be mad.

I should be furious.

I should have already deleted every contact I have for him and blocked him from mine.

But I haven't.

I'm drunk right now. And given that I don't drink that's not hard to achieve.

What's broken in me that I can't feel fury in being used like this by someone I felt feel such affection for? I am bleeding, my head is spinning and all I want to to be able to hold him and have him tell me its al a mistake and that everything will be alright.

Where is my self-esteem? Who is the person - I don't recognise myself. When did I become a door mat? I should have been in bed an hour ago, yet here I am still online and waiting.

How can such a beautiful exterior house such an ugly soul?

How do I let go?