So I've had a revelation. Now this may just be post-binge talk but...
Cycles control my life. I have no clue on what I weigh now, last time I checked I was 125 but that was the 2nd week of school. The whole "healthy diet" thing only lasted for like a week and a half. Holy fuck, can I just not stick to anything? I was reading over this blog and I realized something,, I've been at this whole "losing weight" thing for about A YEAR now and I'm still at fucking square one. I'm sick and tired of it. I want to be thin, I NEED to be thin. I can't even go to school with my head up and talk "confidently" to people ( in quotations because I can't recall a time in my life when I was "confident" but it's hard to even pretend anymore). I am just over everything. No, no I'm sick of everything. Why is it that we must have a huge binge before we realize we are fat fucks? Damn I've even tried making myself throw up but once I felt it coming on I would back out.. I can't even stick to something I have total control over!
And these past few days I've also realized it's not just the mirror who is noticing me gain weight. I've been getting benched alot more at soccer and the biggest girls on the team are always on the bench. Even today at practice we had to do a shielding drill and were put with people around our same size. I was put with a girl who the soccer team always makes fun of about being chubby and not knowing it. I never got the memo that that's me.

-Alaska