I Guess you all remember that my daughter Sarah auditioned for American Idol in Atlanta last summer. Well the Atlanta auditions aired last night. I watched it alone and it just brought sadness... even tears... I'm not sure I'll ever watch the show with the same enthusiasm or through the same eyes again. I watched for a small glimpse of a purple haired girl as the opening segment scanned the crowds.... she was not there even for a second... at least not that I could see as they scanned through so quickly.... and as each person auditioned I wondered if she had come into contact with that particular individual. I think though that the saddest part was... not having her here with me to watch together... or maybe she just doesn't want to watch it anymore... the whole thing really left a scar on her... it took a chunk of her self confidence. We usually watch the show together and critique the singers and of course laugh at the really outrageous ones... but last night she wasn't here to curl up on the couch with me and it was just not the same... I found myself missing her terribly (she doesn't live at home anymore... and while I do enjoy the quiet that she left behind... sometimes I do miss her).... not finding any of the auditions to be funny... and really feeling bad for those who left in tears... because now we've experienced the American Idol auditions and I've seen first hand how painful it can be... even to a talented, confident and strong-willed singer. I had hoped she could go there and come out of course as a contestant... but at least to be able to look back on the experience as an adventure.... a fun memory to look back on and fun story to tell for years to come... instead she just says (like many others) "F*** American Idol". Maybe later on down the road her attitude will change.

The tears were pouring as I texted her at 2:30 am to see if she was still awake. I told her that I watched the show.... that I love her and miss her. I wonder if others have felt this as they watch the show after being rejected... or can they still bring themselves to watch. I really didn't expect to feel so sad... I expected to just watch it as I always do... I guess you just never know what your going to feel until it hits you out of nowhere.... maybe just a glimpse of my purple haired girl in the crowd would have brought a smile... maybe having her there with me laughing and telling me about her experience would have made the difference... who knows... I just know that now I just feel sadness when I see those people sent away and crushed... even the ones who really cannot sing... rejection hurts.

And even sadder is... that there are a lot of people who are very talented singers who never make it past the first auditions... just like Sarah... and it really hurts them... and leaves scars on their self confidence.... just like Sarah. Sending her to audition for American Idol is one promise that I wish I had not kept... at least the delusion of it all would still be in place... for the both of us...

Sarah... I love you... I miss you... and I hope that some day you will be able to look back on your experience as a great adventure instead of a terrible experience. You have great talent.... please don't waste it....

You can read my original posts about her trip audition for American Idol here:
http://alilenchanted.blogspot.com/2009/06/im-sooo-nervous.html
http://alilenchanted.blogspot.com/2009/06/sarah-american-idol-update.html
http://alilenchanted.blogspot.com/2009/06/sarahs-american-idol-adventure.html

A Lil Enchanted,
~LaShan~