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Inner Thoughts

What Ryan should have said to Marissa on The O.C. last night after he was really nice and supportive and she treated him like dirt anyway because she is a miserable word that rhymes with punt:

"You know what bitch? You don't want to spend Valentine's Day with me? [Let me just point out bitch is crazy just for that]

Fine. Cry your bony ass to sleep, then.

I'm going to go find Johnny's mysterious single cousin from the funeral who is slightly older than me and used to date Volchok, and I'm going to help her unpack her things in her new apartment and I'm going to be supportive of her sad feelings right now because that Sensitive supportive shit is catnip to every girl I've ever met except for you, and -- fuck, Marissa? -- can you Fucking stand up straight already? Just one fucking time? You're like Quasimodo, only with an older-looking face.

Aaaany-who, I am banking that the combination of Jodi's delicate emotional state, my knack for working the sensitive act, and how fucking hot I look in this crisp white shirt, slim-fit jeans, and leather jacket gets me into Jodi's pants within the hour.

So have fun moping around treating me like shit and wishing you could be with some skinny kid with a bum knee and a best friend named after a food that gives people gas. He's definitely worth more of your atrociously acted emotions than I am. Oh, and by the way? Motherfucker is dead. You killed him, oh woe is you.

But seriously? Gold star for that one, because he was the most annoying tertiary character we've ever had on this rapidly declining show and I was beginning to think my contract might be in jeopardy because ever since you met him I've only had six lines per episode and this fucking crap show used to be about me. As it should be. Anyone else remember that? For chrissake, Sandy doesn't even refer to me as his son anymore.

But, hey, does your mom have any rubbers laying around this trailer? I gotta get a move on if I'm gonna be balls deep in Jodi by 10:30."

And, scene.

Poll: Yes or No? The O.C. would be 850 million times better if I wrote all Ryan's lines. Vote now: [email protected]


This post first appeared on 23 Broad Street, please read the originial post: here

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