The gaps between each post on here are getting a little bit too big. The good thing about that, however, is that it gives me more space to provide you with updates of my life, considering you're like my public, yet private, diary. I want to begin by Talking about the job hunt. Since graduating, I have been spending about 6 months looking for a job and it has been the most tedious thing. Just waiting and waiting and waiting for responses. I can't take much more of it, but I have to endure it. I should be hearing back from one place before Monday, but the response will either be "yes" or "no" so it's tough to put all my eggs in one basket. This feeling of limbo has been really irritating, and I have put on so much weight from just being home and sitting at my laptop. Especially because of the recent weather. It had been snowing for a few days, and before that I used to go on daily runs, but then it was a safety hazard, during and after the snow, so I had to just stay home in the warmth. I even almost got the flu, but I caught it at the early stages, and managed to rest it off, alongside taking a lot of medicine.

The guy I lost my virginity to has gone to his country of origin because he said it was easier for job opportunities, and he was right, because he found a job there already. We had quite frequent sex, many times, while he was here, so it was quite a sad shock for me to hear he was leaving, but now he's left, it's not too bad. We still talk quite a bit, and have remained good friends since that whole weird but very enriching experience. I am still very grateful to him for being the one I could identify the depths of my sexuality with. He is very kind and understanding, and for 3 months of a sexual relationship with him, I don't for 1 minute, regret the way I lost my virginity. Now he has gone back to his country of origin, he went back in January,  and since then, I've slept with 3 other men... I still don't know how to feel about that. Not because of that stupid stigma towards women who sleep with multiple men, but I'm now in an (almost) relationship with one of the guys and I don't know if I'm ready to have a monogamous relationship... although the sex is absolutely brilliant.

I've been through quite a lot in the past few months. I tried to give Jack another chance even after he showed me that he didn't care one bit about me. He has treated me like such shit that I don't even know where to begin. He wanted me to be completely faithful to him, while he was going around having sex with other women, and this was before I even started having sexual intercourse with anyone. Then he would just always waste my time, when I had so many important things to think about and prioritise in my final year of university. After a break from someone you love, you miss them, and even forget how angry you were with them before you ceased any contact with them. That's how it was with me. I forgot why I was angry with him, when I started talking to him again. But as usual, he would come back into my life and disappoint me, again, and again, and again. It frustrates me even further because my dad has always disappointed me from the time I was young, and I wised up to it, so I am a bit pissed off at myself because I still fall for this expectation in a man who naturally, or initially had no connection to me. Anyway, we got back into contact after I finished uni and after a massive argument we had which left us not talking, then I stupidly started talking to him again. I couldn't help it, I really liked him. Even though he treated me so badly. He had a hold over me. I was even saving myself for him. I thought even though he's a fucking douchebag, he might be the one for me and maybe he would soon see sense. He never did. We started talking again and we agreed to meet up in London, where I live. He was coming over to visit some friends, but wanted to spend some time with me first. Mind you, it wasn't close to my home. I made the effort to travel quite the trek to meet him. More than halfway on my journey, he said his friends were already there and that I should go back home and that he would make it up to me. That was the final straw for me. At that point I told him I want nothing more to do with him and that he should delete all forms of contact, and I will do the same, so that I don't make the same dumb mistake of falling at the feet of my stupid feelings again. I'm sure though, after the disrespect and lack of acknowledgement of that situation, even my feelings knew it was time to stop thinking about him.

In the midst of my anger/feelings about Jack, I find myself trying to fill the void, or his spot with other men who show interest. I have done this so many times in the past. Over the course of a few months, I slept with 2 guys, I was still a bit angry, and in shock surrounding this whole issue, and how Jack treated me for over a year and then when he came back into my life. I'm realising I'm still a bit annoyed about it, now that I am writing about it. I don't like hating anyone, I don't have any enemies, but his disregard for me, despite me caring so much for him really irritates me. Anywho, I am lucky I ended up with the guy I'm currently dating because he cares for me as much as I do him, and I feel this is a dynamic which suits me more. I deserve someone who cares about me. I don't like being treated like rubbish. I'm not saying it's perfect, and I'm sure I have yet to find perfection (if it's really that necessary, perfection isn't really that necessary), but I'm happy being with someone who cares about me.

The moral of the story is that you should never waste your time with someone who doesn't care about you, or if you have an inkling that you deserve more that what someone, friendship or relationship(wise), is providing you, or that you are giving way more than you are getting, then try your best to exit it as quickly as possible. Staying and settling is damaging to you in so many aspects. I also suggest focusing on yourself in every aspect of life, while you're single, and even when you're in a relationship, or seeing someone, more so when it's that "seeing" phase, make sure you still make as much time and care for yourself as you can.

Regards,

Cleopvtrv

xoxoxoxoxoxo