I have a Damn anxiety right now. I feel bad and I think my head will explode. I hate this Boat or actually I hate myself more. It was a long trip down to Turku. I slept a bit on the bus, but not much. Lucky I took a room on the boat, though I would not really have been able to afford it.

Can not afford to go to Sweden either, but I fly from my feelings and fears. I can not live at home anymore. I have to get my own life. I can't take it. My debt increases and increases. I just feel how I collapse. Do not know what to do. Can not take responsibility. Just wish somebody else will take it for me and make everything go well again. I know it's my life and my responsibility, but now I can not take it anymore. I just want to finish everything. Take my life, jump off this damn boat. The only thing that stops me is my family and my good friends. I am so grateful to them and to my husband. My love, my everything. Yes, that too... I'm together with a man. How am I gonna tell everyone that? Will I be doomed? Will I be hated by my siblings? I know Mom is okay with that ... I hope. I have the world's best mom and I know she loves me above all on earth.

Now that damn headache comes again. Feel that I want to puke. Feeling so bad. Feels sick. Perhaps it's my negative feelings and my negative negative soul that wants to come out. I just want to go out on the roof of this boat and scream all I can. Even though everything now just feels like a damn pain and crash, I try to imagine everything is going well. I'll get over this.

I will overcome my negative feelings and fears. I'll tear that wall with bills that stop me from my life. I know I'm the cause of all these obstacles. It's me who caused these bills. I know I will get a job. A job I will enjoy. It will. This is going to be done.