Anyone who knows me well knows I have a tough time communicating under pressure, or when I get super emotional. I am the type of girl who feels so strongly, sometimes words can’t describe the pain or happiness I feel, so I stop talking. Or say the entirely wrong thing, my words always come out wrong.
In all my relationships, I have had this problem. I wasn’t able to effectively communicate at some of the most critical times. I didn’t have the tools, or knowledge to say precisely what I meant. In my defense, I am genuinely a good person, and I tried my best to avoid conflict because I hate any confrontation, partially because I don’t know how to talk my way through problems openly.
I’ve recently moved back in with my parents, and good lord the communication in the house is worse than mine has ever been. My dad is like Mr. Anti-communication, he refuses to talk about things, and totally gets pissed when we ask questions he doesn’t have the answers to. I am 100% like him.
Watching my parents, I have learned some good tools to deal with my communication problems. When I didn’t have all the answers people always said it was weird, or my answers didn’t make sense. WELL, they were right it didn’t make sense because I didn’t understand what was happening, and that is no reason for the other person to get suspicious or frustrated. The right answer is to help me find the answers, help me find the truth. My mom does this with my dad, and I would say 85% of the time when they work together to find answers to a situation, the communication always opens after both people understand what is happening.
The next thing I have learned from watching my parents is it’s okay to step back and breathe before saying something. Emotions run high in this house (mine included), and I notice both of my parents take a real step back and breathe for a minute before they say anything else. I haven’t ever done this; I am that person, when you accuse me or freak me out, I go off. Mostly because I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but I can’t explain that. I say the first thing on my mind, and it’s usually not what I mean. There are so many times I would have just breathed it out before saying anything, at work, at home, in school. This tool could have helped me so much through my teenage years; I wish I had learned these lessons earlier.
The third thing I have noticed is my mom listens… my dad sometimes does. I am a lot like my dad, I hear things, but it doesn’t necessarily connect. My mom tries her best to look from his point of view. I say I do this, but the damn truth is most of the time I can’t. I think this is something that comes with life experience, and age, I’m not there yet. I have tried to see a situation from someone else’s point of view, and I can’t because I am so focused on proving myself to them that I am clouded.
The last thing I learned is some important things can’t get worked out then and there, it might take a few days to find the answers or to come up with an agreement, but you can always hug and kiss before bed. I know people say, “don’t go to bed angry.” I agree, but I also know some things take a few days, and the best you can do is tell each other you love them, hold each other, and move past it for the moment.
I think these are essential tools for any relationships, whether it’s in school, work, or personal life, these are some of the tools you need to be good at communication. I’m not an expert by any means, and these are just a few things I have noticed and wanted to work on. I won’t be the most open person you know for a few years, but I can start taking small steps to get there. I find it way easier to write on my blog, where I can fully think about things, rather than in person. I know there is a lot more to learn, but that’s why we get such a long life, so we can keep learning every day.