I’ve been getting so much blacklash from my friends about my inconsistency in posting . First of all , I feel attacked.. second of all, I’m sorry . 

Not even going to hold you*, for a while I thought my writing was trash.

I distinctively remember one Disgustingly Humid Tuesday  night, after posting a blog, sitting at the foot of my bed,  directly in front my A/C and having  a whole  conversation with myself. I only remember this conversation because after it was finished, I felt so wack. 

I let, who and how many people supported my work deter me from the reason I began writing in the first place . I took those low visit numbers to be a reflection on me as a writer, as a creative. I took the lack of comments on my post and lack of views to heart. 

It’s the craziest feeling because in your mind you know that’s your BEST stuff.

“Like ooooo this one right here ! This the one playa! This gon kill  em”

Then boom 3 views I’m giggling now but please believe my face was straight on that disgustingly humid Tuesday night.

As time went on I couldn’t  shake the feeling and I needed to do some investigation. I started by going through my blogs to see what I could improve .

I went backwards from my first post  and bussed out laughing when I came to a final conclusion .  My highest views are on all my negative, dysfunctional posts. For example, my post Why I’m giving up on my marriage just after only 5 months received 3x the viewers I get in one day, in only 30 minutes. 

I also remembered that even though people don’t comment on my posts I get a plethora of texts or dm’s

“ yo that was ”

or the infamous

“ I’m proud of you” .

Someone  once told me

“those that don’t praise you in public but are quick to do it privately, secretly want you to fail BUT in the slight chance you don’t, they want to still be close enough to say y’all cool”.

Being me, I don’t want to believe that because unfortunately I still believe in people.

Why does the negative get so much love? The amount of people that hit me* on Facebook when that blog posted was crazy. About 80% of those people I hadn’t spoken to in over 6 years, and after that day never spoke again. My phone literally was going off every few minutes with a new comment. 

I had everyone tuned in to what they thought was my demise. I even had some people try to spoil the reveal in their public comments.  

After days of feeling wack and questioning myself, I made the choice to cut it out. I made the conscious decision to change my perspective. How was I letting others control my SELF-esteem . 

I’ve come to the conclusion that my desire to be liked allows the chance for other people’s opinions to have so much weight in my life . The hardest part is recognizing my own foolery . 

Now that I’m passed that I can do the fun part, which is living my life . I will Continue to write and link my gifs. I will continue to post my videos talking nonsense . I will continue to be goofy and childish and laugh at every and any thing. I will continue to be the dope person I’ve been working so hard to become . I will continue to support my friends in all their endeavors. I will continue to make mistakes and grow through them. I will continue learning things about myself. I will continue with the understanding that I am only a spiritual being trying to …

let’s say it together …

Master a human experience .

Stay blessed! You’ve been amazing. Get home safely,

-Otivia

Non-Brooklyners Reference breakdown *

1. Not gon hold you;

Not going to lie to you, try to change your mind, or interfere with someone’s ideas.

2.  Hit me;

Contact, connect with a person through any form of communication