April showers bring May flowers AND new perspectives on life 

I know I know … youv’e heard me say this so many times but it’s true. I feel like I learn something new about myself everyday .

I learn new things in regards to ways of thinking about myself in relation to others . Up until recently I realized that I set GRANDIOSE EXCEPTIONS, not only for myself but for the people around me . I expect perfection at ALL times . Now we all know words are socially constructed and a word such as Perfect is very subjective . What’s perfect to one person may not be perfect to another. The thing with my old way of thinking is, I didn’t care what anyone’s definition was, in order to be in my life you needed to abide by MY definition of perfect or else be cut. PERIOD!

I am able to say this with ease now because I’ve struggled to figure out why I let go of people so quickly and what seems to be so easily. With some self reflection, I have come to realize that my expectations block my heart from reality and it’s a way for me to protect myself.

I set the bar so high and I am excited when the people around me step up to the challenge. The thing is, at some point reality will set in and the ball will be dropped because 9 times out of 10, my expectations are far beyond reachable.

I say this with confidence now because if I’m honest, I can’t even reach my own

expectations sometimes. It’s difficult  but yet I still felt like I needed it.

A lot of my Grandiose Expectations came from my learned experiences growing up.  More specifically my fears.  Fears of being let down, fears of not having enough love, fears of being alone. All of those fears were learned.

People are born with only two fears.

1. Fear of falling

2. Fear of loud noises

Everything else is learned, fostered, adapted and engrained.

I took my fears and adapted my own solutions that seemed to work but when I look back, they didn’t work at all. And I just continued with the same destructive cycle in my present.

I’ve lost friendships, family relationships and intimate relationships because of my fears. I am afraid I will be let down and left alone so I put up this wall, I create challenges and I raise the bar of my expectations sooooo high that when people fail I could have a reason to turn my back forever.

I wanted my mom to be perfect. I wanted her to be my moral compass, my ride or die, my hero, my person. I placed some grandiose expectations on our relationship and when she didn’t live up to it, I was crushed. Her not living up to my expectations,  allowed me to leave her on read for almost 3 years now. With no care in the world. Or so I thought.

With my own reflections I’ve realized,  just as I learned my dysfunctional ways, so did she. She learned how to communicate and how to adapt to life situations. More than that she is just a regular degular schmegular human trying to figure out this thing called life.

Or as my dad puts it,

“A spiritual being trying to master a human experience”.

My expectations and my old perspective stopped me from realizing this and even though I know this to be true, I’m still reluctant to respond to those unanswered messages.

I was able to make this first step while a good good friend of mine sat with me for one of our regular late night car conversations and they explained their perspective on mending relationships because of their fear of someone they love passing away and what that would do to them mentally. I sat and listened and felt a sense of guilt but I didn’t know why.

I listened all the way until the end to see if maybe I could adapt this perspective but for some reason I felt no empathy or connection. I paused and thought deeply about why I was so disconnected and right when I was about to give up, the words came to me.

“I hear everything you are saying but I feel differently. I don’t see it the same way as you and I know it may sound weird but try to follow . I think more along the lines of, if I was to pass away, would the people that have done wrong to me care? If you are able to hurt me while I’m alive and kicking, loving you , being loyal, giving my all , what would change if I was gone permanently? Nothing. You would be the same person, maybe worse because now you have no reason to even try to be a better human being”.

My good good friend sat there for a second and after a few minutes of silence, nodded in agreeement and explained how my point of view was VERY DIFFERENT but very understandable.

That same night as I lay in bed, I replayed the conversation and tried to see what made me say those things.  I realized it was my fears that didn’t  allow me to feel like most do. My guard is built so strong that I even bullshit myself sometimes to pretend that the fear isn’t driving me to react to situations and people in the manner that I do .

I don’t want my fear to hold me back anymore. It is stunting my growth in so many ways and I want to change it before it’s too late.

I want to revise my expectations on relationships and meet people that love me half way.

I have to be open to the fact that people are only human and they come with learned qualities that have been adapted and engrained over time just as I have.

I have to expect that people will make mistakes and mess up and NOT be MY definition of perfect.

I pray for discernmenteveryday and that I am able to judge character and have the perception to see if I am being met half way or if I am actually being taken for boo boo the fool. 

The tricky part is understanding and being able to see the very thin line between setting grandiose expectations and lowering my standards completely . I’ve been known to be very 0-60 and that’s dangerous.

At this point these are new revelations so if you’re still on read and you’re reading this blog .. give me a lil Time por favor :). I’m getting there and hopefully it won’t be too late when I break my fears down and find the courage to reply.

You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely,

P.S. It feels so good to be back

-Otivia