On, January 16th 2016 at 9:47 pm, the last green bubble appeared within my messages. I don’t know what is more unfortunate, my mother using an android device, causing my messages to show up green or the fact that I haven’t responded to my mother in what is about to be a whole year. As the owner of an iPad , Apple Watch , MacBook pro 13 inch , MacBook Air 11 inch and an iPhone , I’d say they’re pretty much equally unfortunate.

When I first began writing this post, I sat next to my bedroom window on my new lounge chair, feet up, candles flickering and my thumb just hovering over my phone screen. I had too many thoughts but I couldn’t catch one for the life of me. I knew I wanted to end this year with a light heart and no regrets. I knew that I wanted to shed the weight of hurt and disappointment that I’ve been carrying for 3 LONG ! *slang for longer than to (2) long* I knew all of those things, just like I knew this post had to be about my biggest form of hurt and disappointment, my mother.

So I’m going to be honest, I’m nervous to write this because I know that some people may be offended but then I think, that’s okay. It’s okay to bring up feelings because that’s when real dialogue can commence. Worrying about feelings really gets you no where. It just further distances people and positively reinforces INAPPROPRIATE behavior. Like, you ever met a person who was mean or rude but for some reason they are accepted by their peers and when anyone questions their inappropriate behavior you hear “chill that’s just how he/she is, it’s not a big deal” . The Fuck?! ( excuse my language) but sis, that maybe okay for a 2 year old but at some point we as “adults” have to take care of our own insecurities and flaws and stop minimizing it to “just how we are”. At some point we have to look deep within ourselves and fix the fuckery.

It doesn’t come easy to everyone trust me, but there are psychiatrists, counselors and support groups that are available just for those hard tasks. But under no circumstance should those people be positively reinforced by their peers or family . It’s like a 2 year old having a full on tantrum in a store because they want the pack of skittles on the counter. Parent gets embarrassed and in hopes of stopping the tantrum gives in and buys the child the skittles. Positively reinforcing the inappropriate behavior ( tantrum) by giving what the child desired (skittles). Now whenever the child wants something the tantrums will begin. When child displays this action in front of others the parent gives in and tells others to give in as well to stop the tantrum. This continues and child turns 16 , now big and doofy going through puberty, when child has tantrum now, they pair it with slapping fire out of whoever denies them. Parent has no choice but to continue giving in because behavior has now escalated and they can’t pull back. That 16 year old turns 21 then 25, then has children , then turns 50 and NEVER FREAKING CHANGES because that is “just how they are”. They just damage everyone they touch along the way while the people they hold near and dear either cosign and further the madness or in my unfortunate case gets kicked out the house with the courtesy of having the end of the month to get my stuff ready. Funny thing I was given that order on August 30th 2015 , one day before the end of the month.

August 30th was the day that changed everything. The day that my “Huxtable Family” dreams died forever. Up until that day my life was pretty cool lol. I lived in a 4 bedroom , 2.5 bath house in Canarsie. Equipped with a fully paved backyard which use to occupy a pool that seen so many dope backyard barbecues and jokes, a manicured lawn with flowers and huge trees that bloomed the prettiest flowers in the spring. My biggest responsibilities were going to school getting good grades , keeping my “princess room” cleaned and paying the cable bill and my phone bill. First of all at the time, my young ass was STRESSED!! That was too much for my little selfish brain to even deal with . I always had a part time job or somebody teenage son helping me with a phone bill payment or two . On top of that I always had my parents , more specifically I always had my mom. I really thought that was my super power, my ace , my thing, my secret weapon. My ability to fall back on my mom had me freaking invincible. I felt like I could literally do ANYTHING because SHE was there telling me I better not fail. SHE, who had enough love for TWO humans living inside her now pouring it ALL into just one. Today I sit and write this without even spell checking and I’m in shock of what I just wrote. I swear I’ve never even realized how big that is. I wonder how big that is to her, did she see it that way? Did she ever heal from preparing her heart for two but only receiving one? Did she resent me for being the wrong one?

I remember during one of those dark days at the Canarsie house, Mike was somewhere in my closet, no I lied, he was under the bed ( my fast ass) and my mom wanted to “talk” with me. I placed my cover strategically covering the bed so Mike was concealed and with a heavy hurt and butterfly filled stomach I walked over to my moms room. She began our “talk” very easy breezy with a question . Ooohhhhh I bet you think it was a deep philosophical question. Nope that’s more my dads style, my moms style is simple, very easy breezy ( or so you think). Shit, the question seemed so light that I answered without even thinking twice. BOOOOM! I was caught in her trap.

That one question led to 500 more at rapid fire. The thing with the question was, it had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME . She asked me why my older brother and sister stopped coming to the house as often ever since the conversation of the divorce (After 36 years of marriage my old ass parents decided to call it quits)started.   I simply answered “I don’t know, I mean they have their own houses and families maybe they just don’t want to”. Which she followed up with ” okay so are YOU only here because you don’t have your own house and family. You can’t leave so you are just pretending to be nice to me ? . And from there it just got progressively worse. At some point voices were raised and I could feel myself going Green, like I’ve done countless times before. Once even getting into a physical altercation with my mom, where she beat the bricks off me by the way . I was only 18 maybe 115 pounds soaking wet, she wouldn’t want these problems now though. Just kidding ). But yea, at this point the conversation is getting to a point that I’ve seen it go before and my hands starts to shake. It wasn’t shaking from my anger it was actually shaking because my phone began to vibrate with an incoming text message.

Mike: Babe calm down. I can hear you and you just need to stop talking and walk away

Me: Nah fuck that! she is wilding out did you just hear what she called me. Did you just hear what she said?

Mike: Yes I heard. Walk away OTIVIA

I looked up from my phone when I heard a voice say, ” Touch me, I dare you”. At the moment it all came to me. Like all the stars were aligned and every episode of Bad Girls Club, The Real World and Basketball Wives just shot into my brain. My mom was baiting me and because I wasn’t falling for it she had to up the anty. She was now only speaking to respond there was no listening involved. I could literally pause the moment put someone else in my place, shit, even a mirror , press play and she would still carry on. IT WASN’T ABOUT ME. A concept that I use to find so hard to understand. My mom was battling with someone, I can’t tell you exactly who it was but I know for a fact it wasn’t ME.  I took that shit personal though boy! I simply smirked, took a deep breathe and walked away. As I walked away I said “Why are you  talking to me like a person in the street, like I’m a stranger?” now my dad always told me “Tay never ask a question when you aren’t ready for the answer” hence why I never looked in anybody phone or snooped or asked shit that wasn’t my business lol but I did on that damn dark day. I distinctly remember her looking me in my eye and saying, “Girl, my children are the closest things to strangers to me right now”. Now my mom has the shittiest memory. She legit forgets what she says 20 minutes prior, so I asked her to repeat her self. In my moms fashion she lifted her head high and said  “Girl, my children are the closest things to strangers to me right now”. I asked her to repeat it one more time for the people in the back and yep you thought right, she repeated it. I never felt so defeated. I felt like I said everything I needed to. I felt like I was calm, I used my education that she always reminds me she paid for, I used logic and reasoning, I used humor, I use empathy, I used everything I was equipped to use. I was left standing their empty with my phone vibrating in my hand with an incoming text message.

Mike: WALK THE FUCK AWAY BABE!! PLEASE

Now that was the beginning of the end for me in my heart of hearts.  August 30th 2015 was just the nail in the coffin. I felt like things with me started out rocky but towards the end I did everything right. I was the clown who messed up her life being rude to teachers and being banned from prom and senior trip in junior high school. Leaving me with the choice of military school or catholic school. I redeemed myself in high school. I was on every extra curricular activity, honor roll repeatedly, got a scholarship for college, excelled in that, graduated AND went back for two more years of academic torture lol. No teen pregnancies, no drug use, couldn’t drink alcohol for the life of me, never liked the streets, always in a monogamous relationship (except for that one time in my life LMAO, well talk later). I felt like I did it all by the book yet I was kicked out and stranded because of my mothers personal battles. I can literally go on for hours about hurtful and disappointing times I shared with my mom. But on the flip side I can also go in about the great laugher filled times that we had as well. I use to find myself trying to gauge how my mom would be, was she in a good mood or not, always thinking about how I could finesse the situation not to get that butterfly feeling in my stomach. THAT IS DYSFUNCTIONAL. Children should not be anxious around their parents. They should not feel nervous to just be and just live. That is a sign that as an ADULT as a parent something is wrong and needs to be fixed. But if there are other adults around encouraging the foolery then everyone else just becomes “COLLATERAL DAMAGE” and that damage just gets passed down to generations and brought into new relationships. “Hurt people hurt people”, Parents hurt children, spouses hurt spouses all because learned behavior .

Mom,

I refuse to go into 2018 with any hate or resentment in my heart. I plan on filling up those holes with positive thoughts and actions. I won’t allow for these sad thoughts and memories to consume me any longer. I realize that as much as I love you, I have to love you from a distance because if not, then I’m jeopardizing my sanity.  I’m sure your upbringing and personal experiences have shaped who you are as a person. As an adult myself, I can now see how hard it is to manage it all , now add a husband and children into the mix (bananas). These are just my thoughts and my perspective. I’m sure you have yours and that is fine. As for now though, I am content with knowing that you know how I feel. Maybe one day once you’ve squared away your “stuff” we could talk and leave the past just where it needs to be . The past.

-Otivia

You’ve been a nice crowd! Have a HAPPY and Blessed New Year. Get home safely

-Otivia