Okay. So it didn’t work out. My boyfriend and I broke up at the most inconvenient time in my life but being the cliche that I am, I do believe it is for the best. I did mention that I felt something was wrong for a brief moment in our Relationship and it turns out that he indeed cheated on me. And before I begin talking about the hurt and betrayal that go along with having the goddamn cat out of the bag, let me just praise intuition for simply serving its purpose. You go intuition! You’re super!

And before I begin to talk about the story that preceded the feelings of hurt and betrayal, it is appropriate to clarify that my ex-boyfriend is not like most of us in the plainest sense of the word. He has Asperger’s of the extremely functioning and extroverted kind that nobody would even know he has it not unless you really look. He’s like Dexter but he’s not a serial killer (he might be a talent tho). And it’s not because it’s the mild kind of Asperger’s that makes it appear like he’s just a bit strange. Looking back, nobody could really guess he had it simply because nobody bothered to get to know him deeply.

And it is also appropriate to clarify that because of this, I am the one who suffered more from his condition. I carried all the emotional weight of the relationship while he “acted” out his life. I’m not even sure what parts of him are his identity and what parts of his life are copied from other people to blend in. And if you’re one of those friends who would want to cheer me up and offer his perspective of the events, you should know that his perspective was the first one I took and focused on before even considering my own. But it is very unfair to be with someone who is prone to cheating and incapable of constantly making you feel loved, and still be the person judged for leaving simply because you are the “normal” one and you’re not considerate enough. I don’t need that right now, to be honest.

And now the story.

I obviously am aware of his spurts of infidelity and it has been a recurring issue that we’ve been trying to work out for the past months. I’ve been going back and forth proposing a break up and have been pretty unsuccessful in two things: breaking up with him and making him admit to his infidelity. It also didn’t help that his answer to my doubts and interrogation was a proposal to show me his full commitment in the relationship not realizing that he was just using this really romantic gesture to cover up a wound that has been felt but hasn’t not been located. Obviously, I fell for it because to be vulnerably honest (as what is the main point of this post), a part of me wanted it to work.

Things went really bizarre then. Some days, we were insanely happy. Some days, we just didn’t sync. But we never really fought and I would like to commend my communication strategies for this and maybe his patience too. It was when we were in Taiwan when things took its steep fall that got me all bruised and battered and him, probably confused af.

trying to find a sex toy shop

We went to Taiwan for 10 days just to you know, “bond”. But the trip was poorly timed and we arrived just when a typhoon was passing by all the cities in our itinerary. It was horrible. I can already tell that he was full on Asperger’s mode in most parts of the trip. He was very indifferent at times to the point when it already feels forced. We bickered a lot. I had a stomach flu which he assumed to be an eating disorder and I literally had to pretend I was fine the whole time (I fucking hiked a mountain while I had explosive diarrhea – if that’s not love, I don’t know what love is). We were also lucky to have the eye of the storm pass through our hotel that the glass doors of our suite flew and almost hit me. There was no electricity. No water. No food. All we can do was to lay down and deal with our demons head on. It was intense.

that was when our glass doors broke. good times.

He told me he wanted a more intense life. I told him I wanted to settle down and focus on contentment. He hinted that we might not work as a couple because of this. I believed him. I told him I’m reluctant to meet his parents. He responded by taking off the ring. I said I still wanted to be with him. He asked why. I told him I’m the only one who probably sees his struggle to be the person that he is now and I want to continue cheering him on to be a better person. He was shocked. He cried real tears. I was shocked. He rarely cries. He looked so vulnerable. Like a child. I cried too. He calmed down. He put the ring back on. We watched In the Mood for Love. I didn’t sleep afterwards.

We survived the first storm. Kenting was badly destroyed by the typhoon when we left it but having one of our issues resolved, we were still upbeat about our next destination. Unbeknownst to both of us, another storm was coming.

We arrived in Taipei en-route to a beach town, Wai’ao. We were figuring out how to get to that train station and my ex-boyfriend was so stressed out about something so mundane, he was so annoyed at me. Ugh Germans. Germans with Asperger’s. When he finally figured out the ticket and platform situation, I just slept through the train ride and shrugged off the fact that this sporadic outbursts are telling of another layer of unexpressed emotions he could never get out. I could tell then that he wanted to break up with me but I knew my heart wouldn’t be able to take it if he did so I was just preparing for the worst and that made me very tired physically and mentally.

The hostel he booked was closed for the holidays and we were referred to another beachfront room which was pricier. We took it because he didn’t want to move bags again the next day. Nothing eventful happened that night but I knew he wasn’t present with me most times.

We woke up. Had breakfast. Got into an argument about this girl who I knew he was cheating on me with and how he can’t seem to even avoid her for my sake or to respect my sanity at the very least. His Asperger’s just doesn’t get how serious that is and how emotionally sadistic his actions were. If I were able to turn back time, I would have broken up with him last June so things didn’t have to end like this.

Elena, the hotel owner, came to tell us that another Typhoon was coming and that we should transfer to the upper deck in case it floods. So much for taking the room because he didn’t want to move bags again. The travelling gods clearly wasn’t on my ex-boyfriend’s side then. Sucks to be him.

I convinced him to go here because of some childhood thing he has

We had a good day exploring the area and decided to spend the night in the room because of the typhoon and if there is a movie that could come close to describe the succeeding events after we got pizza and margaritas that evening, it’s got to be Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Everything happened so fast and what felt like months were crammed into hours and there was just so much to take in from the conversations we were having.

Much of our conversations were pointless but the time he admitted to cheating was something I vividly remember and will probably never forget no matter how many times I try.

I was devastated, obviously. It was the kind of emotional pain wherein your body is literally hurting so much, it blows up to pieces from so much internal pressure and then you’re helplessly collecting your scattered parts on the floor while one person just stares at you in awe wondering how you’re doing what you’re doing. That’s how the pain looked like.You see, I didn’t really have any evidence that he cheated on me except for some friends telling me things. I though he wouldn’t be this much of a coward to keep something so grave from the person he’s supposed to be trusting. But I waited and waited and eventually read his journal and realized I’m not dating the person who I thought I was dating. Everything he told me about us and our future and his other relationships were disingenuous to think that I was really giving it my all for him.

And to finally hear it from the source. It’s stupid to think it wouldn’t hurt.

“You hurt me!! This hurts so much!!” I remember screaming repeatedly. He was just hugging me the entire time and it strangely amplified the pain I was feeling. He tried so hard to be indifferent at a time when I wanted him to be emotionally receptive. I remember wanting to be consoled so much that I had to call a friend just because he couldn’t give me the emotional support I needed to even just calm down and be coherent for at least 5 minutes.

My friend immediately picked up and made everything lighter. He was in the room the entire time I was talking on the phone and he had a blank countenance while staring at the ceiling. There were times when he would shuffle around the room because he couldn’t process the emotions he was feeling. It was so odd that I remember most of what he has doing other than the conversation I was having with my friend.

After the phone call, I started packing my things while Summer Girl was playing. The only reason I played it was because it was in my “memories” section on Facebook that day and I was just curious about the song. But it was just the right song to play at that time and I quietly cried again just because of the weird timing and turnout of events.

I didn’t eat that night and before going to bed, I demanded 50,000 in emotional damages which he agreed to pay when we get back to Bangkok. I don’t know why I asked for money upfront but knowing how his brain works and how he thinks in money, he would only get to understand the gravity of the situation when you put a premium to it. It also added humor to things on my side. And yes, this really happened.

the worst meal of my life

We barely slept that day and I awoke to Elena bringing us our breakfast and informing us that the trains have stopped because of the typhoon. She suggested we leave immediately in case the bus service gets cancelled. I was not absorbing any of this information but I stood up, brushed my teeth, dressed and stared at the food. I literally felt like I was dragging my corpse to do all these tasks. He also couldn’t eat but he made me a sandwich and placed it in a tupperware so I can eat it in the bus.

I wore my rubbers shoes and waited in the terrace that overlooked the beach. The waves were violent and unrelenting. I played the song again and silently sobbed while staring at the endless ocean. It was both painful and cathartic at the same time. He hurriedly walked over and hugged me and I just started weeping while embracing him.

“I feel so much now. Thank you.” He told me.

“I love you too.” I was supposed to reply but I didn’t. The thing about Aspies is that they rarely say “I love you” but they say/show it in other forms. It’s a lie that they don’t know how to love. They might not feel it but they know it and they sense it.

Our ride back to Taipei was the worst. He intentionally shut his emotional system down and tried distracting himself with anything: reading, meditating (irony!), packing, eating. I hate him when he does this because it’s obvious that he’s using his condition to not feel anything at an opportune moment when he could learn so much by feeling things. I was too weak to lecture so I let it slide.

We finally had our “talk” on our way to the airport and knowing how his logic works, I obviously demolished all his arguments and won that verbal sparring we were having in the bus. He just doesn’t realize that I know him (maybe not his identity) more than he knows himself not because I’m hashtag best girlfriend ever (sarcasm) but because I am able to see what his mindblindness doesn’t allow him to see. I understand his personalities in the first (I), second (you) and third (he) persons because I paid him the attention and I genuinely wanted to get to know him. I have even gone as far as knowing whether his actions are done out of his condition, his personality or social pressure. At this point, I was even contemplating on getting back with him just because I know that his tendency to cheat is due to the lack of intimacy he had growing up. To put it simply, I just get him for what he really is and accept the limitations that come with it but it’s hard to keep on doing it when you’re doing it alone. I realize now that I was justifying his mistakes more than getting sincere apologies from him that’s why this relationship even lasted this long. And that is very unhealthy for the both of us.

We had lighter conversations at the airport over coffee and the sandwich he packed for me. He took my ring size to replace the ring that I lost, cut the purikura photo we took and scheduled a date on probably seeing each other again to revisit the relationship. He played Candy Crush on my phone while I tried so hard to stabilize myself to not trigger an anxiety attack. Unfortunately, I had one at the boarding gates and it really hurt me that he decided to stay in the airport lounge just because he has a frequent flyer card from Vietnam Airlines (if my ex-boyfriend were reading this, he would be like “it’s a platinum card damnit”). I think that’s when I knew that he will never be the kind of person I would want to build a life with. I will never be first place in his life. Never. And the worst part was recognizing that he was mine and I guess, that’s what I was really weeping over. That I mistakenly gambled happiness for him in the hopes he’ll do the same.

really pretty cloudXsunset action

The plane ride wasn’t any different. He was playing Candy Crush on my phone while I was coming to the realization that this might actually be the last time I’ll see him. I was studying his face the whole time and holding back tears of hurt and nostalgia.

“How do you feel?” I asked him.

“Confused.” He responded.

My phone battery was dying so he had to stop playing and switched back to his phone to read an e-book.

“I will miss you.” I said.

He gave this huge sigh and just broke down. He was crying SO MUCH on the plane. We were crying on the plane! Two adults crying on a plane must have freaked people out!

When we landed in Bangkok, he suggested that we have dinner at the place where we had dinner for the first time since we dated. It was a sushi restaurant near my apartment. He even went as far as suggesting that we dress up and we did, even if the place was just a block away from where I live.

I asked him a lot of questions that night: what would you tell your next girlfriend about me? what is one thing I taught you that you will carry in your next relationship? what will you miss about me?

He answered he couldn’t do this. That he doesn’t think it’s the end and that he doesn’t want to be part of this “play” I was “staging”. I had this long impassioned speech of why it’s meant to end and why his logic didn’t make sense. I’ve never really shown anger in this particular relationship but that time, I felt it was necessary because it felt like I was being treated like a doormat. He apologized and was just silent (Aspie fact: they are very defensive and RARELY APOLOGIZE).

While walking back to my apartment, it dawned on me that it was really the last time I was gonna see him in this light. I will, in time, forgive him. But I will also fall out of love with him and knowing that inevitable fact made my insides revolt. I failed at love again.

I was very tired when we reached home and our plan to watch a break-up movie didn’t really happen.

He told me that he felt I triggered something in him and he changed in the span of a 4-hour plane ride and I wasn’t having any of it. I think out of tiredness, I was able to unleash my anger without any filter and have lectured him on what it really entails to be a “humanitarian” as he claims to be one. I think being with him and being surrounded by his friends made me realize that there’s a different kind of poverty that privilege breeds. They’re the kind who would seek interesting experiences but they lack the wisdom to process those experiences to transform and enrich their lives. That, to me, is very very sad.

I slept soundly that night. Sometimes, letting out anger is a good thing.

I woke up around 6 in the morning with the feeling that I was about to fall from the bed. And it turns out that he slept so close to me that he was already pushing me at the edges of the bed. He didn’t appear to sleep well at all and was awake even before I got up. And just as he was about to turn to the side and fake sleep, I hugged him and silently cried. This is it. This is almost the end.

We had our breakfast at the place where we had our second date. I was definitely less sad than the day before but it’s still the kind of sadness that I carry with me as I type this. It’s the kind of sad you feel when a chapter in your life ends – like when you graduate high school or leave a job. A hopeful kind of sad. I remember crying and hugging him outside the restaurant while the cab waited for him.

“I love you” Were his last words.

hearty has no idea…

And now the hurt and betrayal.

I didn’t really get to feel much after he left. I Skyped some of my friends to process what was going on and I initially felt good about the separation. It was when I saw his toothbrush in the trashcan when I realized it was really over. I’m a firm believer that the failure of a relationship is cemented when you throw away that spare toothbrush in your bathroom and good on him for taking the initiative of disposing it. I would probably have an emotional breakdown if I did it myself.

even my favorite place in Yangon didn’t do it for me

The pain really sunk in when I was in Burma for work and I was craving his presence in my life again. On the surface, I had to pretend I was fine even if my deathstar of a heart was just being swarmed by the rebel forces and was about to combust. I reread all his e-mails and letters and played one of his favorite songs on repeat and just stared at the hotel room ceiling during my free time. I even skipped all my networking engagements because all I could think about was him.

I was constantly in touch with my friends during that time and they told me that I have to focus on the hurt instead of the separation for me to gradually move on. Back then I really wanted to get back with him because I couldn’t bear the longing anymore but I wasn’t really dwelling on the fact that I was betrayed and lied to and cheated on. I have to be angry first before I become at peace with myself again and it was a very difficult phase for me.

I’m not the type to water seeds of negativity but at that point, I had to and I forced myself to imagine all the miserable things he made me go through. I replayed our relationship in my head and filled in the gaps with the other girl’s presence and his journal entries. The time I thought he really loved me were the times he was doubting whether he wanted to be with me and it felt like he was just telling me things to reassure himself that that’s what he really wanted. That was a really horrible thought to be mindful of, to  be honest. I would think about this particular photo they have on Facebook where they looked so happy together and wonder why he never really posted anything about us publicly and I would just feel so unloved even when I was so happy to be with him and that’s not right.To top it all off, knowing that he’s still seeing her even if we’re not together anymore and he’s trying to get back with me is just way too disrespectful and insensitive regardless if you have Asperger’s or not. All those worked up my anger pretty good.

But detached from all that, I am angry because I know they will not suffer as much as I do at that point. They will proceed to live their intense expat life playing board games, going to parties and gossiping about other people. They will never feel the need to see a doctor or change their prescription to Cymbalta or have the urge to cut their hair or even move out of their apartment. Their lives will just unfold without even acknowledging the hurt they inflict on somebody out of boredom and juvenile fun. I find that very very unfair.

Of course, I still missed him sometimes. Some days were worse than most. On bad days, I would imagine getting back together with him on the condition that he goes to counselling and if he cheats on me, he will have to support me for the rest of my life. On some days, I would imagine meeting him again and becoming friends. Of course, all of those are BS. Maybe I will never even see him again.

Once in awhile, I would assess our relationship and find that my most cherished moment with him was when he finished his 10-day Vipassana retreat and he came back a totally different person. It really felt then that he could level with my emotional and spiritual maturity and I wanted to just exhaust all the love I can give to this one solitary person. I think that was the best version of himself I’ve seen and sadly it only lasted two weeks. But it was great knowing that he could be that kind of person. Except that he’s not most days and that was the reality of our relationship. Maybe, I was also in love with the idea of him that is just emotionally ready and I neglected all else that was weighing both of us down. Maybe, I was not the wound in the relationship after all despite being mentally unstable.

Looking back, I was in a relationship that intimidated him not because I demanded a lot but because I was ready to love the parts of him that he hasn’t fully accepted yet. And the inevitable growth he needed to undergo to be with me scared him even if it was for the best. And that’s not my fault. It’s also not my fault that I decided to stick with him and not find perfection in somebody else because that’s what you do in an emotionally mature and committed relationship.My biggest mistake was seeing him as a “project” that I wanted to help build. He obviously has the potential to be better and I was willing to walk him through that process. I thought the life he is leading was just so superficial and empty and I wanted to show him another side of life and a more meaningful version of happiness. But happiness involves suffering and discomfort and not everybody is willing to go through those and I guess I misjudged how prepared and willing he was to find himself. Maybe he was also right in saying that there’s nothing wrong in shallowness and superficial things. It’s just not for me and values is not something you negotiate in a relationship.

But regardless,I can honestly say I did most things right and have given everything that I can while dealing with my personal issues – and the failure of this relationship falls solely on his shoulders and it is therefore unfair for me to be keep the “relationship door” open when he doesn’t even knock to begin with.

Once in awhile, I miss him. Because he is gone. And he doesn’t seem to be coming back.

My moving on strategy focused on self-care while still being mindful of going through my grieving process so it completely goes out of my system and I will be shiny and happy again and ready to accept other forms of love that come along my way. I was really surprised at the number of people who reached out to me and consoled me during this time (my mom even wanted me to go to the US on her expense – dayummm break ups are great!) and boy, did they ease the copious amounts of hurt I was carrying. It made me realize that I am extremely blessed with such meaningful and deep friendships that are so rare these days and that is a big deal to be thankful for.

I also dated people during the course of coping and as much as that sounds unhealthy, it really isn’t in my case. You see, I can be alone and I love being alone and being single isn’t a struggle for me. Dating actually is and I practically forced myself to meet other people just so I leave my apartment and you know, start living again. I hate dating because I’m not the most self-confident person and selling myself (or anything!) isn’t really a skill that I have that’s why I am likely to stick with long-term relationships because dating is just so shallow for me.

But I got pretty lucky at dating and have been constantly seeing this one guy who I met about a month ago. This guy is just solid. He has everything that I wanted for in a partner but I’m just not ready to let him in yet and have been very honest with him about my struggle in moving on. It also didn’t help that my friends liked him A LOT and he is very supportive of my pace in dealing with my health issues.

It was actually after a full day of hanging out with him when I went back home and was handed a package which was from my ex-boyfriend. In it was a size 3 wooden ring and the poem he made about, well, flowery and romantic things that didn’t have a realistic timeline. It was my kind of cheesy and it really got me very confused.

It made me very guilty that I was moving on very quickly and it also reminded me that I still love him. Very much so. I immediately contacted my friend for advise and sensing that I wanted to get back with him, she told me and I quote “There is beauty in desperation. Crash and burn if you must.” That advise offered a different perspective in my attitude towards infidelity. Sure my partner cheated in whatever form but that doesn’t mean that the love is no longer there. We’ve always looked down on people who do not leave unhappy relationships not realizing that they are probably much braver for choosing love without any guarantee of a beneficial turnout. Because if it succeeds, then great! They get another shot at happiness. And even if it fails again, they will regret nothing and will be more ready for their next relationship with a more realistic mindset. Some people would rather hit rock bottom than be imprisoned by the accumulated “what ifs”in their lives. To borrow the words of Murakami:

I contacted my ex-boyfriend to finally seek closure. It was actually very difficult because a part of me still believes that we could get back together and we just needed some time apart to sort ourselves out. But I have to let go of that idea to make sure that I am forgiving him completely for everything he did to me and not because I wanted to get back with him and I’m just merely skipping phases of my grief. There might be beauty in desperation but prolonging this relationship is already a desperate act to begin with and for all we know we have already crashed and burned many times.

We had a good conversation about it and I could tell that he was also in so much distress about the situation. I terribly missed him all of a sudden and I just wanted to hug him and cry and be that annoying couple who breaks up and gets back together again after some time (I never got back with an ex!). Initially, he didn’t want to “sign” our “divorce papers” and was so good at convincing me to stick around. A part of me wanted to to stay but the rational person in me vehemently reminded myself to heal first – that it’s only good because now he is in such an emotional state and he can level with the feelings I pour out. THIS. IS. FOR. THE. BEST.That was probably the hardest thing to do. To walk away from something you thought would be a significant part of your life.

After our conversation, I slept so well again and it is a big deal because I haven’t been sleepingwell for months now. and no medication seem to work. There are times when I don’t even sleep at all like De Niro from Taxi Driver but on good days, I get 6 hours of sleep (normally, I get 2-3 hours). So yes to sleep!

After bawling my eyes out on a Skype conversation, my friend sent me a really good message about how I should view the separation: that it was great for what it’s worth and there are far greater things ahead for both of us. These words continue to inspire me until today. Coincidentally, my other ex-boyfriend messaged me out of the blue (a day after the phone call) to let me know how good our relationship was even though it ended. And I guess that’s just the universe’s way of saying “You didn’t do anything wrong. I got you!”

And it made me think about all the relationships I’ve had and how they all seem to have ended well and that I still play a part in the lives of my former partners in the subtlest of ways (some are still looking for me in all the people they meet, for sure). The timing of things made me realize that I am not just a woman who weathers storms. I AM THE STORM. And I am a testament as to why hurricanes/typhoons are named after women.

Savage!

Thanks universe!

Letting him go is not easy but I’m focusing on the fact that he also lost me. And our relationship was probably the closest thing he will ever get to experiencing profound love – the kind he romanticizes so much about. My ex-boyfriend is very much into philosophy and Murakami-like experiences that’s why I fell in love with him in the first place. But I didn’t realize that he is incapable of feeling and living those deep experiences he lusts for. What we had was the intense life he wanted and he is cursed to seek that intensity in interesting things that will never come close to the depths I showed him. He lost the person who knows him the best (apart from himself). He lost a best friend and he will never meet anybody like me again. Of course, he will get to love again and I will too. But you know what they say, there are all kinds of love but never the same love twice.

I’m also focusing on the things that are good to lose because of his absence. I am very glad that I am no longer surrounded by shallow lifestyles and juvenile behaviors. It took me awhile to shrug off that part of who I was to become what I am now, so why go back eh? Because it’s true, if you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room and there’s no point in explaining why you have to leave their company.Apart from the losses, I also have a lot of gains. Firstly, I gained the realization that even if I don’t have a lot, I have everything that’s truly important: a caring family, genuine and long lasting friendships, a supportive social network, a deep sense of self and of course, love – so much love that radiates through everything I do.

Secondly, I gained the understanding that the foundations I built my identity on are not exactly weaknesses. I might be too sentimental, deep, selfless and trusting and I sometimes hate having so much empathy in my system it’s not rational anymore (I will be a horrible judge). But I have lived my life as straightforward as possible and frankly, I am a better version of myself by embodying all these. The pain I bear is never a reflection of my character – it is my growth as a person that makes it worth it in the end. I am proud to be able to tolerate the polar ends of happiness: both the willingness for euphoria and suffering that it entails.

Thirdly, I have a clear understanding of how I want my future relationships to pan out. I think there is such a thing as relationship equilibrium to nourish a sustainable and lasting relationship. That in every partnership, there should be an equitable amount of give and take, equal time for space and togetherness and substantial space to grow together and to grow as individuals. We didn’t have that equilibrium (we have potential tho) and I need to find a partner who is hungry for adventures but also appreciates the quieter moments when things aren’t as exciting. Because if you think about it, those moments cloaked in the quiet are the times when you really grow as people.

Finally, I also get another shot at happiness and although there are times when I wish it was with him, I am very optimistic of better things coming my way in the near future. Because at the end of it all, I am still the same person who knows real love when I see it, clings to it through the toughest of times and lets it go when it’s time to do so.

At the moment, everything just feels like on a standstill. I am definitely putting myself first and am dealing with my health issues head on. But now that the year is ending, it feels like I am again at the crossroads of my life and I have so many options I can take. Maybe I’ll go home first and sort myself out for a year or so. Maybe I’ll move to Yangon as planned or even just stay here for awhile since health care is heaps better in Bangkok anyway. Maybe I’ll continue applying for PhD programs in Europe. Maybe I’ll marry the first person who shows me love and affection and move to I don’t know, Iceland or Papua New Guinea. Point is, I am still the captain of my ship and I have more than enough to steer the course of this journey. Remember Love in the Time of Cholera and how willingly they hoisted the yellow flag because they are sure they have everything they need in their ship to start a voyage without a destination? I feel I have the right people in my ship at the moment and I could just pick up more as I navigate my way through the vast oceans that is life. Ugh too cheesy.

Anyway, I am writing this not because I want a fitting written ending to a love story that didn’t quite make it. I am writing this because it’s a bittersweet memory now and if we think about it, all we have are memories, really. Of course memories don’t really capture the feelings of those moments you lived but it’s nice to be reminded that you have gone through them and are capable of such intense internal metamorphosis. Love is beautiful and our relationship was still amazing for what it’s worth.Thou shall not give up on love. That should be the first commandment.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.