I am many things this Morning. Mostly selfish things. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I'm scared. I just want the world to go away.
Damn Change
I hate change. The end results I often like, but the act of change doesn't sit well with me. I would consider it a character flaw... or at least some type of flaw. And sudden change very much upsets me.
I have been waiting for my ECT-Treatment-ducks to line up for weeks now. Yesterday at 2pm I get a call from the doctor that I am approved and can I come in this morning for my first treatment. A lot of things started swirling through my head.
Annoying Details
I hoped to get a mid-to-late morning treatment, after my summer School class. Then I found out they only do treatments 7-10am. Only during that time frame. Period. My class is 8-10am, 5 days a week. Now I'm already stressing. I set my appointment for 10, knowing I have to leave class early to make the 30 minute drive to my doctor. And I will have to do this for each treatment. It isn't the end of the world, but I take school seriously and don't want to let this impact me.
Transportation? There's nothing horrific about getting there, but it means I can't drive to school. It's illegal and rather impossible to drive right after general anesthesia, so I have to be driven home. So I am currently writing this on the bus to university, where my wonderful wife will pick me up and drive me to the treatment center.
Timing? Mornings are a necessary evil for treatments. General anesthesia means I cannot have eaten or drank anything past midnight. I wouldn't mind waiting until later, but that isn't an option.
Lexi works nights. 7pm-7am. Meaning she's going to get home, take a short nap, get me to treatment, get another nap, and return to work. I feel bad about that. It would be a bit more simple if things weren't spread out, with lots of driving involved.
This is just one big, damn nuisance. Maybe my brain is a little sideways thinking, but I would really just rather be dead. If these treatments end up putting more strain on my life than relief, then shortly I'll be pushing up daisies.
This is just one big, damn nuisance. Maybe my brain is a little sideways thinking, but I would really just rather be dead. If these treatments end up putting more strain on my life than relief, then shortly I'll be pushing up daisies.
Beyond the Blog
I'm going to do what I can to vlog about this. Seeing others talk about this has personally helped me, and I hope my honesty might help someone else.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
