Depression is the Wrong Name
That is why this damn disease is a form of hell. I recently read a post by some ignorant 'genius' that if you eat enough Bananas that your Depression will abate. It's science folks! Right? I would be eating bananas and shoving them in my ears, eyes and any other orifice if I thought it would get rid of these unwanted thoughts and feelings.
What happened? Nothing considerable. I had a short conversation with my 6-year-old daughter. Nothing extensive. No yelling, whining, or slant talk from either side. Seconds later I felt the hole in my chest open up and am trying hard to keep from Crying. That is the joy of bipolar depression.
Hell is the Right Word
Today has really only just begun, but now I only feel like crawling into a corner and crying until I dry into a pile of meaningless dust. Writing this out helps. It is somewhat cathartic, and it somewhat worsens the whole experience. I think it is a net gain, but it can still be difficult.
I wish there was a pill for acute depressive attacks. I've heard good things about the short term benefits of ketamine, but who knows when that may ever be available. There are various tactics I've tried over the years to center me, distract me, or otherwise lift my spirits; but sometimes they all just fail.
Saying days like this suck is an understatement. It is when they come in succession that I know I will end up in the hospital again. I have hope that tomorrow I will hear good news about the possibility of getting TMS. ECT really helped, but I don't want to deal with the side effects again. The cocktail of medications I am on are working, but not completely. Oh how I would love to see a permanent or even a somewhat permanent change and be able to decrease my medications.
My current psychiatrist was astonished at the dosing of lithium and lamictal I am on. Especially the lithium, without being toxic. But it was keeping me stable.
All in All, You're Just Another Ant in the Hole
Hell has to lose eventually, right? God....anything? Oh, yeah, I forgot, I'm just another ant.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
