I started writing another entry this morning but got busy with work. It really wasn't the pivotal matter today anyways.
Today I feel empty. I woke up feeling horribly depressed and just started eating. I hate, hate, hate it when I eat through my depression, but sometimes it helps. (I subsequently hit the gym and burned off the calories, so that helps too.)
Part of it is that I feel like curling up into a ball and waiting out the feelings. Who actually cares what I do? What truly matters? I can answer those questions plainly, but it doesn't help to feel the hole in my chest. I lack energy. If I fell over and just laid on the ground, that would be about right. Sleep would be nice, but I have too many things to do. There is also the feeling of tears welling up behind my eyes, but I have trouble expressing via that method. (Although it really does help for me to cry it out from time to time.) Lex goes back to work tonight, which leaves me alone to deal with these feelings. That isn't the worst thing, but it isn't great either.
I will conclude this post with some lyrics from my favorite song, "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd. I often find meaning in the words. (Oh, and just go watch the whole movie. The Wall is beautiful. Just thinking about it lifts my spirits.)
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can Hear me
Is there anyone at home?
Come on now
I hear you're feeling down
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?
....
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
