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Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide Blog


somehowforward.blogspot.com
I have a great life and a horrible mind. This a my tug of war between healthy reality and destructive chemistry; a chronicle of my battle with treatment-resistant bipolar depression. Life doesn't always make sense, and at times trying to find the answer or solution just makes things worse. Is that the end of it? No. It's not always about the destination, it's about the journey. Here is my journey.
Happiness In A Life Against My Will?
2017-09-25 15:41
Pointless TitleLet's not mince words here. I am cruel. In 2014 I overdosed to end my life and by pure dumb luck my wife found me, barely responsive. The medication I had taken wiped most of… Read More
2017-09-24 01:41
Biochemistry Takes the DayThe past day and a half have been an improvement. I would almost go as far to say that it is a major improvement, but I am afraid to say such a thing without knocki… Read More
I'm Just Not Used To This
2017-09-20 15:47
There are certain aspects of my condition that I am used to. Things I even expect. Often when I begin to get depressed, my mind jumps to suicidal ideations, and I just battle that until it s… Read More
Self Assessment
2017-09-17 18:53
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Slow Down There.I started my next entry a few days ago and got distracted. This is nothing new. It's likely that this entry will spend some time on the back burner before e… Read More
Prepare & Put In The Time
2017-09-11 02:18
It Has SprungNot Spring...Fall is here, and with it the new school year. And with it comes stress, and stress, and a little bit more stress. I am taking a full load. That is to be expected… Read More
Now But How
2017-08-12 17:51
ThingsThings have been. They were going rather well. Then, for some reason, things became less stable. It's a little difficult to try to explain. There are a lot of factors going on right no… Read More
Chester
2017-07-28 02:29
A SmileI've been almost avoiding this, but I think it is important to address, if for nothing but my own peace of mind. I would rank Linkin Park among my top 5 bands. Not number one, but as… Read More
ECT Treatment #5 & #6
2017-07-18 19:40
Treatment #5 was less than exciting, so I never devoted a post to it, but #6 was definitely different.I have also decided to re-brand my future videos as "My 2nd ECT Experience," because, we… Read More
Perception Speaks Louder Than Truth
2017-07-16 14:17
StolenI stole this title from a professor of mine. She was alluding, specifically, to politics and public policy, but it really does ring true with those suffering from mental illness. There… Read More
ECT Treatment #4
2017-07-13 13:11
I should really rename my videos to "My 2nd ECT Experience", because this round of treatments really has been different than that barrage I experienced the first time I went through ECT. I a… Read More
Some Sort Of Test
2017-07-08 02:59
Is there anybody out there?I am unsure if this will work, but for those that read my blog to any degree, can you please leave a comment to this post and maybe a little information about your… Read More
Keep It Together
2017-07-07 19:07
I am more than mere depression.Sometimes I feel that all I am is a walking mental illness, and that it consumes me to the point that it is all I am. But I do have a life. (I know, I can… Read More
To Disable Or Not To Disable
2017-07-06 00:15
A StruggleI suffer from mental illness. There is not question about that. But to what degree does it affect me? The university allows students with mental illness to apply for disability sta… Read More
Peace, Love, And Agony
2017-07-05 23:51
Begin AgainI met with my new psychiatrist today, since I parted ways with my previous doctor over differing opinions on ECT. We spent a long while talking about my entire psych history, from… Read More
Indeterminate Destination
2017-07-01 21:39
Waiting for SomethingNow is the annoying part. The ECT has begun, and is 'making waves' in my brain, for lack of a better term. Neural pathways are being disrupted, chemistry is changing, an… Read More
ECT Treatment #2
2017-06-27 17:03
All New BeginningsThe first few treatments is a wiggling game. The doctors are trying to decide what my energy threshold is for a good seizure and the anesthesiologist is working on det… Read More
New Beginnings
2017-06-23 12:55
I am many things this morning. Mostly selfish things. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I'm scared. I just want the world to go away.Damn ChangeI hate change. The end results I often like… Read More
Still Here. Still Waiting.
2017-06-16 12:54
.............Summer sucks. Too much down time. I don't do well under my own steam. I stagnate and deteriorate. School started up, which has helped a lot. But I'm still not doing well. It see… Read More
What I Need In Life
2017-06-12 12:55
Unfortunately, I have trouble seeing beyond the self. My personal issues cloud the larger picture of what exactly is going on in the world as a whole, what is life, is there a grand purpose… Read More
2017-05-31 01:57
Why Not?Tomorrow I set off on a 1,500 mile drive from Texas to California. My son and I will be doing a blitzkrieg drive in 2 days. If he had his license we could have driven through. Oh wel… Read More
Down Tomorrow's Black Hole
2017-05-29 19:49
It Really Doesn't MatterI cannot speak for everyone else, but I can feel a dip coming on... before it actually hits. Call it a dip, a depression, a relapse, and major issue. Whatever. It's a… Read More
Just Another Day
2017-05-27 23:24
Here I am. I suppose that is good. That's what they say. But why?There has to be a reason that being here is better than not being here? What is it? A good deal of the time I don't want… Read More
You're Fired, I'm Fired
2017-05-24 00:45
Times are a Changin'My psychiatrist and I mutually fired each other today. He is downright set against ECT and I am for it. I understand the consequences of ECT and asked him if he was willi… Read More
Everything And Nothing
2017-05-23 01:43
I've Got It AllI have everything I ever need and yet I have nothing. How can this be? I would say that it is mostly in my mind. I am in the first world, am upper-middle class, have a loving… Read More
Where To Go From Here (?)
2017-05-20 00:27
Welcome to the FoldI am still in a writing funk. When is sit down to compose an entry, I am somewhere between blank and thinking so fast that I cannot keep up with myself. Either way, I… Read More
Death Becomes Him
2017-05-14 05:27
Transitioning Into the SelfI am free. For now. School has ended and now, even though I have a personal list of items to accomplish, I am falling. I knew I needed something to get me through… Read More
No God Damn Sense
2017-05-11 04:00
I composed this entry a few weeks back and just sat on it. I think it is time for it to be let out.Senses FailI opened this blog last night and just couldn't write. Part of it was that the s… Read More
Where Is My Mind?
2017-05-05 20:53
I Don't KnowMaybe I should just stop at that. This week has been a triangle or stress, relaxation, and depression; and I just don't know which corner I am falling into next. It hasn't been a… Read More
Time. And Time. Again.
2017-05-02 02:22
It's OddTo be writing. I don't know why. The weekend went fine, I suppose. I went on a wonderful hike that ended with me limping. But as I said before... the most enjoyable way to die. Actua… Read More
2017-04-28 13:59
Is What I HaveAnd I could not be more excited. I have had almost no true time alone since we move to San Antonio. Someone is always home. Even if they are asleep, I still feel that I have to… Read More
Taking The World On A Porpoise - Part 1
2017-04-20 20:55
Porpoise, PurposeWe all need it. A purpose, not a porpoise. "On a porpoise," was just a silly saying I used to have with friends. But how do we find it? What does it mean? These are obviousl… Read More
Light In The Darkness
2017-04-15 03:16
A Starting Point"What are you going to do when the feelings are strong and you want to kill yourself?"Hold onto the hope that there is hope. Maybe that sounds ridiculously cyclic, but i… Read More
Four Letter Words: Hell And Hope
2017-04-13 20:17
Present StormLast night I emailed my therapist about getting in to see her this Friday or next week. I promptly heard from her first thing this morning. She had time and thought it was neces… Read More
I Just Don't Know
2017-04-12 13:35
Before YesterdayI wrote about my struggles with binging and the hope that another day brings. I lost my hope. Stressors of school and things around the home pushed me towards the brink. Acut… Read More
Binge On The Fringe
2017-04-10 14:42
It's Really Not That SimpleYes or No. Fail or Succeed. It is easy to put those labels on and become overly inflated or hopelessly deflated. I have struggled with binge eating for years now… Read More
Depression Wins The Day
2017-04-09 14:37
Depression is the Wrong NameThat is why this damn disease is a form of hell. I recently read a post by some ignorant 'genius' that if you eat enough bananas that your depression will abate… Read More
To Hell And Back
2017-04-08 04:02
The Golden Trout WildernessThis will mostly be a post of pure happiness. A reminder of the light I find in a dark world.I cannot being to describe the love I have for hiking and the joy it b… Read More
The Laws Of Depression Dynamics
2017-04-07 23:38
Depression cannot be created or destroyed, but only transformed.(I actually started this about a week ago, but it took a few days to find all the right words.)This may sound like comple… Read More
The Brink Of Balance
2017-04-07 02:48
Still in the World of QuestionsAlthough my relapse has somewhat 'abated', I still have pervasive thoughts that make me realize I am on a near razor sharp balance between good mental health a… Read More
Somhow Forward - ECT And Why I'm Still Here
2017-04-02 02:16
Point In FactLet me cut to my truth, right off the bat... ECT saved my life. It brought back a desired to live that I had long lost. But that wasn't without some costs. It has a stigma. That… Read More
Movement For The Mind
2017-04-01 03:46
The Ups and DownsIf I haven't made it clear before, I am overweight. And that is really just a euphemism for obese... to an unhealthy degree. (Not that there is a healthy version of obe… Read More
Who Took My Damn Cheddar
2017-03-30 19:21
Yup, It's RealIt has been well over a decade since I read "Who Moved My Cheese," but the basic tenet remains in my noggin. Here it is: There are two mice that get cheese from location A… Read More
Ahora Y Hoy
2017-03-28 16:52
What Sorcery Is This?Today is a good day, and I cannot really pin down why. I am actually extremely stressed. I have a mountain of schoolwork over my head, a daughter that is at home with st… Read More
Fulminate Confusion
2017-03-28 02:17
The FulcrumI'm tired. There is just too much to do in the day. I came home early from school today so that Lex could get some sleep. She had been up since 2 with my sick daughter, and she wo… Read More
The Descension Continues
2017-03-27 00:26
CracksI still feel just at the beginning. The beginning of a relapse. I guess that is the best term to describe them. The past nearly 5 months have been somewhat smooth sailing. Now is the p… Read More
And The Verdict Is...
2017-03-25 23:07
....waitingI just don't know which way the wind is blowing the past few days. It's this way, then that way. At a moments notice I am thrown into horrible thoughts of self harm and the next I… Read More
Mastication, Humiliation
2017-03-24 14:40
Cogito Ergo Sum Comedere(I Think, Therefore I Eat)Now that is one famous quote... or perhaps I am way off. Either way, for me it should really read, "I stress and depress, therefore I e… Read More
Comfortably Connected With Nothing
2017-03-23 17:06
I started writing another entry this morning but got busy with work. It really wasn't the pivotal matter today anyways. Today I feel empty. I woke up feeling horribly depressed and just… Read More
Can Suicide Be The Right Option? - Part 2
2017-03-21 00:50
This isn't going to be anymore upbeat than Part 1, and I guarantee this will still leave more thoughts to address. If you are coming here hoping to find peace or solid reasoning, then you ma… Read More
This Is My Curse
2017-03-17 02:05
This entry comes with a music video and everything. Ooooooooo. Aaaaaaaaaaah. Impressive, huh? Ok, maybe not, but there is a purpose behind it. Beyond it being right up my alle… Read More
A Matter Of Fact... Perhaps
2017-03-07 17:56
I thought that perhaps I should introduce some better structure to this, instead of it being a haphazard smattering of thoughts. In browsing and reading other personal blogs, I feel like min… Read More
Where'd The World Go?
2017-03-03 14:47
The past three months have not been bad, but it's also had a fair share of dips. Said dips were rather ridiculously strong when they came one, to the degree that I am uncomfortable sharing t… Read More
I Can't Enjoy The Silence
2017-03-03 14:23
The simple act of being alone with myself in the silence, without any music or other noise is maddening to me. I don't know why. This slowly came on over the years. I love my wireless headph… Read More
2017-01-12 14:56
My therapist challenged me to look back on times when I found self-worth and self-respect, to figure out what exactly made me feel that way. This mostly involves looking back to when I was i… Read More
Blocked By Gain
2017-01-05 15:47
I haven't written for a while. It isn't that I've ignored writing or have been avoiding it, but I have been unable to pen anything worthy. This last month has actually been a fairly good one… Read More
From Job To Blob
2016-12-03 03:05
I need to branch out. There is more to me than strictly mental sickness; however, it's tied into, well, everything about me. When I was younger and more rash, I left college behind and found… Read More
The Million Dollar Inquest
2016-11-26 01:38
A big question on my mind is whether the adderall is truly treating me or just helping me live life. By treating me, I mean directly addressing any aspect of my mental illness or treating th… Read More
The Sun And Its Devices
2016-11-25 00:51
I wish I could write consistently on one aspect of mental health, instead of my experience as a whole, but I am at the whim of my chemistry. I would love to tackle a single strain to complet… Read More
Death From Above
2016-11-14 01:19
Well, this is unexpected. I rarely write at home. It is quite convenient to sit in the classroom before a lecture and type out my feelings on a laptop. But the really unexpected experience r… Read More
2016-11-11 14:32
I am still far from impervious to the mood and emotional swings of the days, and yesterday was no exception. I was talking to my wife about how many things there are to do on a daily basis t… Read More
2016-11-09 13:28
The other day in therapy, I voiced my reserved excitement towards my wife noticing that I was doing well and waiting for her to comment on it. I had a great week and felt that I was not just… Read More
2016-11-08 16:58
Time, for me, seems to drag slowly or fly at 100 miles a second. The last week has been so busy that it has just flown by.  Sunday was the first time in almost a week, one amazing week… Read More
2016-11-02 15:38
I cannot fully explain what has happened the past few days, but they have been good. It has become such an oddity to have a good day, and 3 is unheard of. I decided to give one of my recent… Read More
2016-11-01 13:03
This last week has been a horrible ride of ups and downs. It has been exhausting (current theme of my life) and I really did not expect it to end. For the moment, it seems to have subsided… Read More
2016-10-31 20:04
The last few days I have sat down to write, with various ideas. and have come up short. I lack the desire and impetus to write my thoughts out. I made a poor decision on Friday that really m… Read More
2016-10-26 15:23
The heading for this entry is meant to reference the fact that I have figured out all of my troubles, finally... I am an idiot. Often times I think I know what is best for me. It seems to be… Read More
2016-10-25 18:16
I can't even tell you how many times I get up, and throughout my day, think "this day is just so different, it's not my normal, and I do not know how to describe it." Ironically, I think eve… Read More
2016-10-24 10:48
I am not very good at working without background noise or sounds. Sometimes it is music or documentaries; sometimes shows I have watched a million times or new to me shows. Mostly, this prov… Read More
2016-10-24 01:11
I feel that so many times I try the same thing, with the same result. Today has been a crappy day. I don't really feel like writing, or know what I would even convey. Some days are like this… Read More
2016-10-22 02:19
Obviously this is an extremely complex question that my half-asleep brain cannot fully address, right now; however, that doesn't mean it isn't on my mind. Feelings and emotions mostly drive… Read More
2016-10-20 12:18
Often my biggest enemy is my own mind. Once I start chasing that damn rabbit down the hole of depression and unreasonable personal analysis, the results at best are on the downside of neutra… Read More
2016-10-20 11:51
I cannot say that I do not have stressors and that my life is perfect, but one of the major issues with depression is that it doesn't always make sense. Sometimes a bout of depression sets i… Read More
2016-10-20 11:49
I must say that coming down from Zoloft has been enjoyable. This weekend I was far more productive than the previous couple of weekends. It is easier to get up early and stay up without extr… Read More
2016-10-20 11:48
It is difficult to stay awake today.....And now it is later, about 5 hours later. I met with my doctor yesterday and he understood that the Zoloft wasn't working for me. The current plan is… Read More
2016-10-20 11:45
I have struggled with food for years now. Growing up, I was required to eat extremely healthy because of diet related issues. When I became an adult and moved out on my own, I went the other… Read More

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