There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds -Laurell K Hamilton
Being attacked changed me in more ways that I could possibly explain. The most hurtful thing about it is that, I lived with the weight of it every single day, it took a toll on me and changed me dramatically as a person (I speak about the attack in my previous posts, if you haven’t already, go and have a read). The sad thing about it, is that I lived in fear that it would happen again to me and so when it came to socialising and making friends, I wouldn’t say that that was something I was keen on. Only 15 years old and my life had been turned upside down and shaken. I was living in fear of people. One thing I used to ask myself is ‘How on earth will make it to 20 or even 30 for that matter, if this is the turn my life has taken?’
By the age of 16 my comfort was being in my bedroom, lights off, curtains closed and silence. No one talking to me, interacting with me, no music or movies. Just me alone with my thoughts and my best friend, books. At the time, I was reading Becca Fitzpatrick’s Hush Hush. Brilliant book. Reading allowed me to escape reality and entire a world where I was not judged or felt pressured. I felt free. If you’ve read my previous posts you will probably understand how I ended up in this situation. I never spoke about it to anyone, even my school friends, who at the time, used to indulge in long telephone conversations with. I felt like I was in an endless cycle of laughing and smiling with everyone during the day but crying myself to sleep at night. Yes, I had hit rock bottom.
I managed to make it through two years at sixth form (For my US readers that is high school and yes, I successfully completed it). Around this time, my anxiety attacks were severe. Different things would trigger my panic attacks and I found myself being more and more anti-social because of this. A person’s energy honestly, it doesn’t lie! Let me explain. I somehow could pick on anyone’s energy very quickly depending on whether it was negative or positive I would react. By analysing that individuals energy, I would know what their intentions was and if they were clean hearted.
To a negative vibe, I would subconsciously start panicking. My attacks included me sweating excessively, my heart would pound so fast I would feel faint, I would tremble and shake to the point where I felt nauseous, I would feel dizzy and lightheaded. Imagine this; my chest would tighten the more I thought about it, so with each second, symptom and thought, I would feel like I couldn’t breathe. I would feel like I was going to die or fall unconscious. One thing that happened to me without fail during these attacks, is that I would run. Run as far as I can from the person or situation. This stems from the day I was attacked and held at knife point, I felt at ease running away, feeling the strong current of the wind on my face and in my hair, it gave me a sense of freedom. Seriously! You can’t pick where and when these panic attacks take place, so in public it was the worst and most embarrassing situation, that could possibly happen to me and that’s why I felt comfortable being at home, in my room with the lights off. Oh yes, with my Hush Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick.
Almost seven years later and I am completely in love with myself! Why? because I allowed myself to accept that I was dealing with anxiety and depression and with the help that I got through counselling and supportive figures in my life, I was able to overcome it. I spoke out, put my pride/worries aside and looked for the help that I needed because I wanted better for myself. I wanted to be able to interact with people and not feel scared. I wanted to feel free. If I could have a conversation with my younger self I would say:
Yes, it is frightening but do you know what is more frightening living a life in fear of people, living in fear of being yourself and living in fear of mental health issues. It is very easy for me to say ‘don’t worry, it will get better’ Getting better is a job, a hard task, a commitment and goal, that you and only you can do. Your mind is the most powerful instrument you have, so if you set your mind to it, you can do it! Remember, you are the product of your most dominant thoughts so make them as confident and positive as you can make them. I believe in you!
To many people, it is a taboo to speak on mental health issues especially when it comes to specific background, cultures, races and religion, resulting in victims of MHI not being able to speak out and express themselves. Speaking out is what will help you, no matter what it is that you are experiencing. What I say also say is, don’t be ashamed of your story it will inspire others, something I figured out when I published my first post. Your journey, whether you realise it or not, is being read or watched by someone and you may be, the very person who is inspiring them to continue on their own journey, inspiring them to be the best that they can be. Yes, it is a tragic and upsetting situation that I had to endure but look where I am now? who would have known that seven years later, I could share it with the world? If I can do it, so can you.
This post was requested by one of my Instagram followers. Shout out to @loubna_fari. If you have any particular topics you would like me to discuss comment below or email me and I will definitely include it in posts to come.
Thank you for reading, don’t forget to leave a comment, like and share!
Stay positive. Positive Excellence. Miracle Me.
With love❤
