I always disappear from writing because don’t ever feel ready to re live this conversation. Don’t get it twisted, I have fully healed, I just never had the opportunity to really break down just how bad the conversation went, how bad my relationship had really become between myself and Christopher as well as how I reacted to the whole situation.

Now back to where I left off……

As I waited for Christopher to get to my house I knew that something was very wrong. You know that feeling when your belly and your heart aches simultaneously, something like a sea sick feeling. I felt that going through my whole body. I paced around for what felt like hours and eventually my thoughts where broken with a knock on the door.

I went to open it.

Christopher: You alright

Nana: Hmm yeah … Let’s sit in the living room.

You can tell I wasn’t interested in small talk.

Christopher: So, let’s talk then

For the first time in my life, I could see through Christopher and how he has really f**ked up. Whatever he has done and what he was going to tell me, forgiveness would take everything out of me.

Nana: Just tell me everything and don’t miss ANYTHING out.

I took a deep breath, and prepared myself for what would possibly be my last moment with Christopher. In an instant my heart sank to hear Christopher tell me that he had grown close with Delilah during my university appeal time and they started off as friends but as things between us grew “distant”, they grew closer. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest suffocating me.

Nana: Have you met up with her

Christopher took a deep breath… and said yeah

Nana: When did you meet her and what happened when you did?

Christopher: Sigh … Do we really have to do this?

Nana: Answer the damn question

I could feel anger and pain building up.

I’m a strong believer that when a woman asks a man a question, its more than likely that she knows the answer, she is just testing to see if he’s capable of telling the truth.

Christopher: Last weekend and we spent the weekend together.

To this day, I’m glad that Christopher had enough respect for me to tell me the truth but at the same time I was too hurt to class this as a victory.

See, I knew that they had spent the weekend together for 2 reasons.

1. On the Friday, Christopher called me to start a fight. Literally he just called me and started an argument. He then proceeds to tell me not to contact him over the weekend and he would holla me when he’s ready. Clearly, he just didn’t want me to “disturb” him and his weekend special bonding time lol.

2. The next time I had seen him, he had tried to hide the pictures that they had taken together.

I was deflated.

I proceeded to ask more personal questions about what they had done. Each answer breaking me more than the one before.

I have been asked multiple times why I asked to know everything and why I pushed for so much information and the truth is, I need to push myself into leaving. I need to hurt so badly, I wouldn’t even consider the thought of wanting him back.

Crazy I know.

I knew that Christopher had a hold over me that until I wanted different, the cycle would never end.

I know this is the point where you would expect me to hit him or call him out his name. Tell him exactly what I think of him. Sadly, that isn’t the case … I didn’t have a waiting to exhale moment guys lol.

I stood up, picked up my phone and walked to the toilet.

I sat on the floor and I cried. I cried so hard, I felt my lungs hurt. I managed to call my cousin and what she said broke my heart.

*RING RING*

Mazza: Hey Babe… He’s done it again init

Nana: I honestly thought things was different

For my cousin to know that Christopher had “done it again”. The fact that she just knew he had cheated, hurt my core. I was soo embarrassed.

Nana: Let me … I’ll call you back.

I stood up, wiped my face and walked out the toilet.

I walked past Christopher and went to my room.

At this point, I didn’t even want to look at him.

I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor and I began to really internalise all the things that Christopher had said to me.

Before I could catch my breath he added insult to injury and proceeds to tell me that it was over for good and that he was leaving me for Delilah.

Without warning, I broke down again. I cried and cried that I honestly didn’t feel that I had any more energy. My girl Esther rushed into my room as she could hear all the noise and she just held me as cried. Christopher just watched. I meant nothing to him.

I used what little energy I had to go to the window.

Now in my university room, my bedroom was connected to the roof and the only way to get to this was through my window.

I climbed through the window. Esther and Christopher looked at each other scared as hell.

I climbed out onto the roof and sat with my legs hanging over the guttering. I JUST NEEDED TO ESCAPE.

I sat there for what felt like forever, my friends coming to the window to try and convince me to go back inside. All of them, failed attempts.

I stared at the night sky and I just knew that the road ahead of me would be difficult and I wasn’t sure how I would cope. Esther eventually admitted defeat and climbed outside to keep me company on the roof.

Nana: I defended him, when everyone told me not to. I literally gave him my world and now I have to watch someone else enjoy it. AND don’t worry I have no intention of jumping .. I just needed air.

Esther: I know but Nana enough is enough. This time needs to be for GOOD.

I could hear the stress in her voice. I could for the first-time sense that the people closest to me where tired. They had seen me cry and hurt so much. They wanted me , to want better for myself. I was in my final year at university, 5 months away from completing and here I was sitting on a roof.

I could hear in the far distance … Christopher on the phone … I knew that Delilah had called him. This was the ultimate disrespect and he had to go. In all honestly why he had been there this long was a miracle.

I climbed back in through the window and I sat on the bed.

Nana: GET OUT, NOW

Christopher could see that I wasn’t joking.

Christopher: But … Its late and the train

Christopher walked over to the other side of the room and picked up the headphones he bought me and left.

I got into bed and I cried till my alarm went off.

Tomorrow would be day one of the rest of my life without Christopher.