I miss being alone. I miss feeling lonely. I miss myself.
You know what, being in a relationship sucks. You think having a boyfriend is fun? Romantic? Oh, it’s more like ‘stupid’. Why the hell do you need to tell him everything you do when you don’t even have any idea about anything he does? Why on Earth would you stay calm just because you’re a girl and that you need to have patience when he’s out of control? Why overthink while he’s just having fun? Why get sad when he’s sleeping or watching TV instead of cuddling with you? Why get jealous when he’s with his “friends” or when he’s checking out a pretty girl out there at the counter while you’re actually there beside him? Petty things, but you’re deeply affected. Bullshit. I hate being in a relationship.
So I was writing this draft with tears and anger. My fingers were uncontrollable, typing those words my heart felt. I didn’t even bother to re-read or check, I just typed. And then he sent me this message-
“Goodnight pikon I love you”
Bwisit diba? That feeling when you’re super Angry tapos mawawala lang bigla because of one single text na wala pang punctuation marks. I hate him. He makes me cry. But he also makes me happy.
I’ve been single for years and maybe this is the “forever single" May who is talking. But tonight, I’m definitely missing my single life. I miss my own life. The life where I don’t have to overthink, get jealous, get mad, angry, sad, etc.
I’m dating this guy for two months now and my head always hurts. We fight more often than we laugh. Sometimes my heart feels like quitting, that it can’t do it anymore. I’d rather be alone than get mad and sad on almost every day.
I don’t think it’s healthy, but a part of me won’t just give up. I want to stay. I want to try this. I want to see how it will go. If I can handle it. If we can handle it. I know he’s feeling or thinking the same. Most of them time when I get mad, he’s mad, too. Sometimes, we learn to control it, fight for a minute then hold hands.
Sometimes he’s sweet. He likes eating with me, watching movies with me, talking to me every night, every morning. He kisses me on the forehead, hugs me from behind, steals a glance at my awkward face and then laughs.
I hate this. I hate being in a relationship where I am happy and at the same time, sad. But maybe it’s just how it works. The more affected you are, the deeper the relationship. Oo, sakit sa ulo. But this person makes you happy as well. With sa single text, single smile, hawakan ka lang sa kamay, okay ka na.
Kumbaga sa computer, sya yung virus pero Sya Din Yung anti-virus. Sa health, sya yung sakit, pero sya din yung gamot.
Hours ago, I was soooo angry. I know he’s angry, too. He tried to talked to me about it, but it only got me angrier. So I hung up. He called me again but I didn’t pick up. We were silent. In less than an hour, he texted me.
I love him for his patience. I know nahihirapan din sya. But he’s still there. He stays. And I love him for that. Kung wala man talagang forever, sana magtagal naman kami. :)
