I Understood now that it had to happen. She had to dump me eventually. Realizations are late but surely makes me experienced and wiser. I should have read her intension when she said to me that she was in relationship and currently want someone to be with her. I knew she used to have crushes very easily, yet I got along with her. I was such an idiot. Nonetheless, it was the beginning of the end of my carefree and happy life.

The first thing I realized is that she never introduced me with her friends, whereas I let my friends talk to her. Perhaps this was the indication, which I always neglected. Perhaps she never wanted to Marry me or maybe she was ashamed of calling me her boyfriend.

She casually but with earnest intent said NO for the first time when I asked her for the marriage. I should have known, she never wanted to marry. Eventually I had to bear her rejection for at least five times. I thought she was confused or scared of marriage. But now I know, she actually never wanted to marry.

She was in a relationship before me for more than 6 years, starting from her school to college. If she had no problem at all in leaving him, I was not worth a rap. Lol. I thought she really loved me, it must be different. Such a dumbass I was. Shit.

I don’t want to forget when I read one of her letters to her ex bf. She had expressed all of her wild feelings about him and had used same words what she had used for me. Lol. Nothing was different. No wonder she never loved me. Those words were lies. I should have understood that I was just another guy in her life, probably the third guy.

She never put her effort in working out the issues, she never compromised just to be with me. She said that all these hurt her self-respect. And sadly, I was losing myself only to be with her. I should have understood that only I was serious in that so-called relationship.

I should have understood when she said she believes in “my body my choice.” I was just a choice and after using me and playing with my emotions she discarded me like an object. Of course it was her body her choice. I should have understood that her kind of being ultra-feminist is not good for me. I should have understood her filmy and weird definition of feminism. She was an ultramodern girl and I was a normal guy who believed that if I love her, she will love me back. 

I should have realized every time when we used to have a fight, I was the one who used to say sorry first. She, on the other hand, has to say “it’s over”. She literally showed me my value. I had to beg her to be in my life. I hate myself for ignoring these.

When she could run away a week before our engagement, why I had to accept her again? See, how idiot I am. I forgot everything that she left me and my family ashamed. She dusted my family’s respect and honor in the society and I accepted her again only to be humiliated again. What a waste I am. I didn’t know if she could run away that time why she can’t again. And finally she showed her true colors.

I should have understood why she never looked back whenever I dropped her at her place. And I looked her every time till I lost her sight.

I should have known my value when she said I can’t afford her expanses if I marry her. I should have known that I am the guy who is not rich and she will eventually dump me.

I should have understood why she had a lot of unfortunate reasons for why we shouldn't marry rather than why we should be together. I should have understood why it was very easy for her to say NO every time she was in a bad mood.

I should have understood.