Dear you,
First off, it’s good that your name is too strange and that I do not really know people from Uzbekistan.
You have no idea how much you’ve Hurt me. In your actions and in your words. For starters, it’s already mean to cheat with someone who you know is in a relationship but it’s worse when you have more things to say about me to glorify your actions as if being the other woman is a privilege. It is not. You were not the other woman. You were also played with.
Why do I harbor so much hatred against you? Let’s try to recount it in the hopes burying it for good.
One, I didn’t really know you but I was nice and civil to you just because that is common decency. When I saw you with the guy you were dating who happened to be housemates with my then Boyfriend, I knew right away that he didn’t like you.
Sure enough he didn’t and all the updates I heard from my then boyfriend about you was how sad you were that this guy is treating you like a shitshow. It was odd that when you were in Bangkok, you would still drunk flirt-Message him about biting and I just had to let that slide not knowing that this is actually your preferred style of seeking affection.
You were still in Bangkok. High in a music festival. I remember walking behind the both of you while talking to another friend. For some reason you and my boyfriend just made out which shocked both of us behind you. Oh if you only saw the horror in my boyfriend’s face when he looked back and saw me! I never saw guilt manifest in a person – a feeling that will continue to define our relationship until now.
God, he made so many mistakes.
The series of heartbreaks continued when you agreed to meet with him in his house for dinner when it’s already obvious that he just wanted to have sex. I know because that’s exactly what he did to me and I thought I was special (sarcasm). Maybe this is when I realized that he also didn’t like me the way I thought you weren’t liked by the guy who refused to call you his girlfriend.
Ah men. So disgusting.
The hurt became intentional when you would still invite yourself to his room after every party when you can clearly ask someone to drive you home. Both of you thought that was normal. My friends didn’t and thankfully they’re great friends and here I am seething but sober. As it appears, you just didn’t like hurting other people. You were confident about it.
What’s worse was when we were in a party in Vang Vieng and you tried to be so nice to me when I already knew that you have slept with my boyfriend. It was pathetic this play you both staged and anger got me sick to my core that my boyfriend was pissed I can’t join you in your party. My heart is
not a fucking party.
When we broke up, I thought that would be the end of it. But you managed to try and be the relationship counselor to the relationship you broke off in the first place. You would call me a gold-digger and other ridiculous names which I will never do to you. You would even sext him and flirt with him because you thought you will have your chance at that elusive love you couldn’t give to yourself. You know every time a balcony is mentioned in a conversation, I would automatically imagine you tied up in their balcony naked just because that’s how graphic your messages were. I will also never dare step into that house ever again. Every time I hear the word GIZ, I would imagine you having sex with GIZ Laos country director because you’ve been implying that he likes you quite incessantly in your messages. Every time I hear electronic music, I panic uncontrollably and all the trauma somehow finds its way back to my system. I've been aloof to acquaintances from Uzbekistan just because that already has a negative connotation for me.
God, you have no idea how crazy I feel sometimes.
But you see, all of these things are not what aggravates my anger. I am shocked that you have no remorse and you can't even apologize. Sure you had your fair share of fun and excitement when you slept with my boyfriend while your "boyfriend" was away (what a fcking coward my boyfriend was!) but was it really worth it knowing that you’re causing so much pain? Imagine the hurt we, as women, can spare other women if we do not allow men to use us this way? Don’t you think that’s what sisterhood solidarity is all about? I know you were having problems with this guy who never really liked you but how I fervently wished that you decided to not cause the hurt you felt by inflicting it on someone else.
That is very very hard to forgive.
There were times when I wish I was just mean to the both of you just so I can justify the hurt everything has caused me – but I can’t remember one single thing for me to merit this heavy load. This is going to be the first time in my whole life that I genuinely believe I didn’t deserve the pain this colossal simply because I didn’t do anything to hurt neither of you. That’s why it is very hard for me to find forgiveness in my heart.
I read all of your messages and it hurts me to know that I am the antagonist in your side of the story and in the distorted story you share to your friends. I was sad of how little you thought of me to be honest. You would try so hard to appear unaffected when everything you say about me had a negative undertone. I know you’re mad at me thinking that I forced him to block you on social media as what he would probably make it to be. I saw how mad you were when you had to message your common friend to ask him why he blocked you. I also saw your seething “NY gift” message and I was also upset that he didn’t defend me with your insinuations. You see, I know he loves me but perhaps not enough for him to tell me the truth.
I guess we both lost. But he also didn’t win.
Sometimes I wish that because of your values, you do not deserve to live your dreams. You do not deserve to be successful in a field that that requires more empathy than smartness. But I hope to be past that soon and wish you pleasant things after your UN volunteering ends. I also wanted you to know that I tried defending you too. When he said you were dumb and stupid or that you were throwing yourself at him. I told him no girl deserves that. He would go on to retract some of these statements but we all know he likes to sugar coat things when the truth is too much to bear.
I know people like you. Those who try so hard to be one of the boys and end up being passed around in circles but refusing to admit being used because that’s not how coolness works. I know people like you whose initial knee-jerk reaction is to blame me for being left behind and to carry the tone of anger instead of understanding. I know people like you who will try and go to parties to make it seem like you’re not affected and you’re having fun when in fact, you do come home empty and short of love. I know people like you who would protect their egos first instead of surveying the damage they’ve done and reaching out to help rebuild what’s left.
And I forgive all of those because I have been all of those as well and I know it’s not the end of your potential.
I hope I can completely forgive you now that I am able to find forgiveness within me.
This is not the end. There are so many stories I have yet to live and you do too. I fervently hope this won’t be your life’s consistent tragedy
