DAY 85-86
Cranky Saturday. I was pretty much Cranky most of the day because I was getting into an alone routine that my partner broke at 6 in the morning – invading my personal space and all. I was prepping myself to not do anything major this Saturday and would only do apartment-related errands but he thought that was boring and I was annoyed that now, I had to fake enthusiasm for socializing when I wanted to just stay at home and look at things on Craigslist.
It eventually became unbearable when we were at a club and I just zoned out and stopped breathing. I don’t know why but I can’t help but wonder how many people in there, swaying to Electronic Music and swigging shots of vodka, felt much lonelier doing so than an hour ago when they were alone looking at things on the internet. I really wonder. Sadness doesn’t make sense in clubs but it’s everywhere. Everywhere.
I also dislike listening to electronic music now. It just reminds me of awful memories – of betrayal and distrust. I can’t stand it. I feel everything except joy.
But despite it all, the saving grace is still my partner who still puts up with everything about me that I sometimes cannot stand. I am annoying – especially when I can’t describe what I’m feeling. And I am horrible at leaving – especially since I feel everything just before it arrives for others. It’s weird how one person can both be your trigger and solace at the same time. I wish it could’ve been better for the both of us. I wish I can fix this. If not, I wish I have the courage to detach and leave gracefully. And I wish to know soon.
why is it always the woman who has to see past the beast in the man? why does she always have to clean his wounds, even after he has damaged her beyond repair? why is it always the man who is worthy of forgiveness for being a monster?
I want to see the Beast in the beauty.
the half smile, half snarl. the unapologetic anger. I would like to see the man forgive the monster. to see her, blood and all, and love her anyway.
written by beauty and the beast | Caitlyn S.
DAY 87
It finally came. I was terribly sick today and didn’t want to adult. I literally felt sorry for myself and I badly wanted somebody to take care of me. PAMPER MEEEEEEE!! Happiness wasn’t really a priority as I was struggling to even get out of bed and eat but self-care won today and I was able to force myself out of the flat to go to the supermarket and get food. I’ve been the type to skip meals when I don’t feel like eating and I’m so proud of myself for getting up, feverish and all, and walking to the supermarket even if every move I make was painstakingly slow. But celebrate small victories they say. I wasn’t able to finish all the healthy food I stashed but I felt great afterwards and was able to take a shower despite my condition. Times like this makes me realize that no matter how frequently I don't feel strong enough, if I think about it, I always am.
