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Cell-level trauma?

I've spend the last just about six months in the gym, five days a week, usually, and four months of that with a trainer. The results have been great! Twenty pounds gone and lots of Obvious muscle, which is nice for an old person like me.

Yesterday, at the request of a guy I'm going to be doing some video work for, I had to subject myself to studio head shots. I did my own, in my own studio, because I can, and because it's a pretty unpleasant option to be on THAT side of the camera - and it's a good thing to do for someone who isn't usually on that side; sure increases the compassion for my clients, who also hate it....

The unfortunate result for me, however, is getting to the editing part, which opened the floodgates of self-loathing.

This is, I suspect, a feature for many survivor-children - meaning those of us who are adults who come from shitty family situations. I see that meme floating about the internet often - the one where some disabilities aren't obvious. Definitely the case.

It's a struggle. Some days, not much, and sometimes I get a reprieve of a day or two and sometimes a week or two even. Most of the time, this dislike (this is a mild term in my case) of self is a constant companion, who occasionally just shuts up for a while.

There are so many things I resent about how my mother raised me but at the top of what is, sad to say, a very long list, are this persistent self-loathing and the cell-deep lack of confidence that comes with it.

I can't stand people who live their lives as victims, so I don't wallow - today I am, yes. But it is a struggle every single day to not bog down in the fog of ever-present depression, and to not give in to the desire to finally drown in it and have it just come to an end.



This post first appeared on The Stupid Files, please read the originial post: here

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Cell-level trauma?

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