Week 5

Five hours of this show. Five hours. Help us all.

After weeks of enduring the will-they-won't-they story of Tia and Colton we discover this entire ruse is a won't they story. Yes, Colton tearfully ends things with Tia when he realizes he's not that into her and trying to make everyone but himself happy. It's the kind of speech that you make if you're trying be the The Bachelor. Waaaaaait a minute! The whole cast is shook, except Venmo John who slept through the whole thing.

Speaking of will-they-won't-theys on Paradise, Ashley I and Jared finally decided to be a will they. Jared proposes to Ashley on the glorious beaches of Playa Escondida Sayulita as her heels sink into the sand. Girl, you were on this show two times - you should know to wear wedges.

In dating news, Eric continues with his date with new arrival Cassandra by being crowed king and queen of a Cabellero Festival. But there's more women arriving in Paradise. Shushana sets her sights on Kamil, while Christen AKA Scallop Fingers chooses John, and they four go on a double date riding on a banana raft or something. Kamil reassures Annaliese their connection is strong and not to freak out, so of course Annaliese plays it cool then freaks out. People think Annaliese is exaggerating her connection with Kamil, but it's in fact real: Kamil gives Annaliese his rose. Shushanna is the perfect level of reality TV crazy that's needed, so thankfully former New Zealand Bachelor (and Winter Games participant) Jordan M arrives and gives her a rose and teach me my new favorite phrase "Not here to f--- spiders." Venmo John gives his rose to Olivia, eliminating single mom Chelsea, Christen, and probably others but I forget who they are.

The happy couples bask in the banality of life (Kevin makes his own salad dressing), but are interrupted by Chris Harrison for some special guests: success stories Jade and Tanner, and Carly and Evan. And their babies. After "winning" the interviews, Kendall and Grocery Store Joe are tasked with babysitting two children (one of which loves to cry) so the two couples can have an amazing date. Kendall and Joe are rewarded with a date on the beach and things are getting more real for the couple.

In other couple stuff, Jenna and Jordan get a bout of baby fever and it's pretty comical, especially with a difference of opinion on the name "Tucker." Krystal and Chris AKA Goose finally get to move on to the next level of dating: leaving the resort! They exchange "I love yous" after being interrupted by a raccoon, then have a private concert date while dancing on water. Eric is friendzoning Cassandra and she calls him out as he doesn't seem ready for a relationship while being on a dating show, which makes him have this moment of clarity that he can't give himself to Cassandra at only 50%, and maybe part of him left when Angela left. Eric decides Paradise isn't the right place for him at this time and says his goodbyes.

The main drama of the enter week is Shushanna's obessesion with Kami, who replies in Truth or Dare that he's in a committed relationship at this point (with Annaliese). Shu declines a date with Jordan M and new arrival Diggy (what a delightful surprise!) because she's got it in her head that Kamil is into her, but he's adamant that it's a no. Annaliese eventually confronts Shu and tells her to back off her man. Shu's attention turns to Jordan M, who is off on his date having a blast with Cassandra, because Shu is attracted to what she can't have; he rebuffs her, but comforts her when she cries. What begins as a joke about her constant staring turns into maybe she's doing witchcraft, which I'd say is 20% serious, 80% joke.

Olivia brings Diggy on her date and they have dinner together and learn the origins of his nickname (his teacher said she "digs" his stylish clothes). It goes well and they kiss. Perhaps a late love connection?